


Taking Care

by heartbeatstumbles



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Chicken Soup for the Kakashi for the Soul, Depression, Don’t copy to another site, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, More angst, Mother Hen Shiranui Genma, Not A Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, alright fuck it Inoichi is dad now, author stopped reading after ~ch 630, did I mention slow burn?, i sob, it’s not quite glacial but it’s close, look the sandaime can eat SHIT, no beta we die like men, or an app you motherfuckers, please, stop making them fuck as an alternative to going to therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-03-20 10:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbeatstumbles/pseuds/heartbeatstumbles
Summary: Kakashi's world burned with the Kyuubi attack. Some coping mechanisms, while effective, have long-term costs. Luckily for him, Genma and his fellow comrades are determined to pull his head out of his ass and help him learn to live with loss.Vignettes of how Kakashi lives his life hovering on a knife’s edge between self-destruction and existence, and how it affects both the people around him and his career.





	1. Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I know that we can win](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6756409) by [tasalmalin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tasalmalin/pseuds/tasalmalin). 
  * Inspired by [Under the Sun](https://archiveofourown.org/works/175549) by [Oroburos69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oroburos69/pseuds/Oroburos69). 
  * Inspired by [Genma Shiranui: Mother Hen Extraordinaire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9214298) by [Varmint](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varmint/pseuds/Varmint). 



> I'm fudging the timeline a little for my own purposes, because apparently when creating one of the best worlds I've ever seen, Masashi Kishimoto couldn't be bothered to look at a calendar. Not that it really matters in this fic, but I like to have things organized in a timeline to visualize how things unfold.
> 
> Anyways, I've been reading some really good fics where Kakashi gets the emotional healing he needs (somehow they're almost all time travel because it's clear it'll never happen in canon WHAT) and I was inspired to write one of my own! I highly recommend all of the "Inspired By" works I've tagged for worldbuilding and (more importantly) soothing the ache that comes with learning Kakashi's backstory. Strap in, folks!

**_March 17th, 51 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Training Ground 3._**

 

“C’mon, kid,” Genma muttered as he passed a bento over to Kakashi. He’d seen him sitting in front of the memorial stone that morning, but it was now evening, and he looked like he hadn’t moved an inch. They’d just gotten back from a particularly grueling mission a couple days ago and had been forced to live on chakra pills and ration bars for two weeks straight. The mission was almost a month longer than expected due to some faulty info, and despite being habitually overprepared, Genma didn’t carry enough food to feed a team for an entire month. The harsh, unforgiving climate of Suna had not particularly helped with very little to hunt.

Genma had a soft spot for the kid, he had seen the scrawny shinobi often, especially for the short time Minato was Hokage. As a tokubetsu jōnin whose specialty was assassination, he often took missions with ANBU when he wasn't on guard rotation.

He was worried about Kakashi because the kid had all but disappeared into back-to-back A-ranks for 3 months straight. The most recent mission would mark 4 and a half months of missions for the scrawny kid. Hiruzen hadn’t noticed, probably couldn’t afford to give one of their best front-liners a break, but Kakashi was _fourteen_.

He missed Minato.

Kakashi took the bento, eyes glassy and unfocused. “Thanks.”

 _Geez, do I have to do everything around here?_ “Eat your dinner.” That prompted Kakashi out of whatever spiral he was currently in to break the chopsticks and start eating.

They had all lost some weight, it was only natural and expected even for the mission they were on, but most shinobi knew enough basic human health to realize that they needed to recuperate and would take missions with their physical state in mind. Kakashi, however, seemed hell-bent on self-destruction or was using the most common form of shinobi coping, which was “throw yourself into work until you’re too exhausted to feel.” Either way, without anyone to watch over him, he seemed to be going downhill.

Not that he noticed. Or probably cared.

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi had been talking with Obito until they ran out of things to say. This happened especially fast when the other person never said anything back.

He hadn't had a chance to go to the memorial before the last mission, which had grated at him for the entire six weeks. The day after the squad got back, Kakashi had risen to go to the memorial at six AM.

His fingers ghosted over the most recently carved name for over an hour until his skin ripped over the kanji on _Namikaze Minato._

“Sorry, sensei.”

After sufficiently ruminating sensei, it was time to visit Rin. Not that it was much of a visit. The Yamanaka store wasn't open yet, so he apologized to her and promised to bring two bunches next time as he got up to talk to Obito.

After some time, Genma came up and sat by him and handed him a bento box.

“I figured I'd find you here.”

Kakashi didn't know what to say so he just nodded and smiled.

“Don't give me that bullshit smile. I know you don't mean it.”

He also didn’t know what to say to that.

“C’mon, kid.”

“Thanks.” Kakashi stared at the box but didn’t open it.

“Eat your dinner.”

They sat in silence for a bit, eating dinner and watching the sun set.

Genma was always taking care of him, always filling in those responsibilities he never bothered to care about. Kakashi was grateful, Genma had saved his ass more than once. It was also nice to have a comrade who had also been close to Minato, someone who understood without trying to pry into his head (Inoichi) or ask him about his feelings.

 

It had been almost six months, but Sensei and Kushina’s deaths still burned like they had the day it happened.

 

He tried to pay him back for the dinner, but Genma waved it away and pressed some cash into his hand. “Use that cash to buy yourself some groceries that aren’t ration bars, kid. You look like shit. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, yeah?” He glared at Kakashi until he took it.

They both knew he wasn’t and probably wouldn’t, but Genma was a persistent bastard and Kakashi knew he wouldn’t be able to argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Ok so first things first, this is the first fictional work I've ever written in my life. In my LIFE. Even in my other work, I was an editor who peppered in bits and pieces at best. My Human Person job requires strictly technical writing. I've been especially ruined by reading great fanfiction, and am acutely aware that this work (while the best of my current ability) has flaws. This fic _will_ get better. So, to the two and a half readers who will fall on this fic, constructive criticism is welcomed and appreciated! Non-constructive criticism is equally welcomed, but a lot less helpful. 
> 
> I wanted to showcase a more realistic Kakashi after going through the shitshow of his life. As a person who has gone through Trauma (luckily sans leporine aliens and world destruction), there is NO WAY he walked through that unscathed as he did in the manga. Even the anime producers had to add in the PTSD after killing Rin. Like....dude. C'mon. And after the literal end of the world, it really irks me that canon Kakashi (who is CLEARLY barely managing to sling his sentient meat sack into the next day of existence half the time) is destined to take a job he hates for 7 years and, then, what? Die alone? Is that it? ...ugh. It is NOT the time for me to complain about the manga, shutupshutupshutup heartbeatstumbles, no one asked.
> 
> HOWEVER, I am aware that Naruto falls with FMA under the umbrella of "thinly veiled horror show of nightmares somehow marketed towards 10-year-old boys that should really be a seinen." I understand that with the intended audience, it's harder to show a more realistic version of events, which is why I'm writing this! A Kakashi that walks through flames and comes out singed is realistic. He's not going to (sucks in helium balloon) be reborn from the ashes of his tragic life!!! But we will join him on a journey of healing.
> 
> 7/3/2019 edit: There will be no smut in this story. While there are relationships, this will be a gen fic focusing on friendship. Also, I don’t know how to write smut. I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I didn't. Oops.


	2. Big Brother (Is Always Watching?)

_**March 18th, 51 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Town Square Market.** _

 

It wasn’t _really_ that he was trying to live off meal rations, it was just that whenever Kakashi bought groceries he never had time to finish them and he would always come back from a mission to find a sentient mold growing in his fridge. He’d eventually learned to just stop buying them, really, Genma, it wasn’t a problem. It was _efficient._ Energy drinks were a quick way to tie him over and they were cheap and nonperishable. Ration bars filled in the rest with the required nutrients or whatever, they were made for survival. Kakashi added a couple of boxes of both to his basket.

Sure, they tasted gross, but it almost seemed fitting. He didn’t need things that tasted good, he just needed enough to not collapse in the middle of a mission.

He decided to _maybe_ buy some groceries. It wasn’t because of Genma. It wasn’t because he felt guilty for the extra cash burning a hole in his pocket either. It definitely wasn’t because he thought he just saw Raidō, Genma’s partner, walking by in the marketplace.

 _Ugh, anyone who drinks milk and enjoys it is a masochist._ No milk.

 _I could get eggs for....protein? But I think I’m going to pick up another mission in a couple days._ No eggs, then. 

Apples were on sale, so he got two. They looked red, which was probably good.

Eggplant miso was nice, but it wasn’t really a necessity. The ingredients weren’t on sale though, so he put the eggplant and miso paste back on the shelf. _It would be wasteful to use Genma’s money on frivolities, anyways._

After checking out, he walked back home to his apartment.

Unbeknownst to him, Genma sighed in the distance from afar. _Dammit._ He would have to make sure to get high-calorie food into the idiot whenever he could.


	3. Hello, Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Panic attack, abuse of ellipses and italics
> 
> Also, I know that the Venn diagram of Christianity intersecting with Konoha is actually two circles, but I just wanted to make Genma say “Jesus Christ.”

_**October 10th, 54 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Jōnin Apartments.** _

 

It was That Day. Kakashi always made sure to be home from missions on the anniversary.

Genma dropped in through the window and wordlessly handed Kakashi a take-out container of ramen. “Have you eaten today?” In response, he got an eyebrow raise that said _What do you think, idiot?_  He sighed and gestured toward the ramen. “You know what to do, then.” He turned on the TV, content to watch whatever drivel they were churning out if it brought some semblance of normalcy to the situation that would allow the last Hatake to consume _something._

_Jesus Christ. He's skin and bones. How is no one else seeing this?_

In the half an hour they ate in silence, Kakashi managed to finish just over half the bowl. His pale face managed to regain some color, but was offset by the uneasiness in his eyes and body language.

“Why do you do it? This has been going on for a couple years now. Is it—“ he gesticulated towards his body.“—Is it your body? How it looks? I’ve seen your face. We both know you’d have all the girls and boys following you everywhere if you took off the mask.”

Kakashi sniffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have a face under the mask. You of all people should know that it’s just smooth, blank skin. I don’t even have a mouth.”

"....” 

“....The question still stands, Kakashi.”

They sat there for a bit. Kakashi even took another bite of ramen.

“No.” Kakashi replied so quietly that if Genma wasn’t listening for a reply he probably would have missed it. He pushed the ramen away. Kakashi wrapped his arms around himself, his body language showing a rare moment of vulnerability.

“It’s more like.... I feel like I don’t need it. The most efficient allocation of resources for the m....” His voice trailed off in a whisper as Genma’s eyebrows reached for the stratosphere. Kakashi flinched, almost folding in on himself. “Please,” Genma whispered, “Can you elaborate on that?” Kakashi’s eyes flicked down to his knuckles, and Genma knew he was out of luck.

Still, it was pretty good that Kakashi said anything at all. He wasn’t expecting a response at all, which was why he was even more surprised when Kakashi found the courage to speak for the second time that night.

“I couldn’t protect Minato-sensei. I couldn’t save Obito. Even after I had expended all my reserves, Rin still killed herself on my hands because I couldn’t do anything else.” Taking a shuddering inhale, he dredged up the courage to keep speaking. “It just.... if I couldn’t. Save anybody. Then what would be the point of using village resources? It’s clear that me using them is ineffective at best. Someone else could use them better.”

“Kakashi, Konoha isn’t in a food shortage. I know you know somewhere in that knuckleheaded brain of yours that eating more than a few gusts of air and a ration bar a day isn’t going to rob someone else of their meal. But I know you don’t see it that way, so I’m going to try to appeal to the logical side of you.” Genma leaned forward and put one hand on his shoulder, and cupped his chin with the other to make sure Kakashi was looking him in the eye when he spoke. “Starving yourself isn’t healthy. Your brain starts to cannibalize itself when you don’t eat enough. You stop thinking clearly, and your reflexes dull. By depriving yourself of something so inconsequential and basic, you are putting yourself, your teammates, and your mission at risk. You are putting _Konoha_ at risk. The benefits of consuming the resources you desperately need far outweigh the cost to your mind and your body and your village. I don’t mean to pressure you. Really, I don’t. In fact, some of this blame can be laid on me, because I’m the one who let it fester for so long without reporting it. I had faith that you would come out of this yourself, but if this takes any longer I will be forced to report it. This is unhealthy, and _you_ are unhealthy. You know how this ends. We can make a meal plan together. It'll be fun. Please, please....try and take care of yourself. I _care_ about you, dammit.”

Kakashi couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see. The last thing he wanted was more people caring about him, as they tended to die fairly soon after. He wrenched free from Genma’s hold in a blind panic and very nearly missed throwing up all over one of the last few people who ever cared about him. Vaguely, he felt someone rubbing his back as he retched out what seemed to be pure stomach acid onto the floor. He still couldn’t breathe. Gasping for air with the whole world spinning around him, he felt strong hands right himself just as he was about to face plant on the ground. Kakashi could hear Genma trying to get him to slow down breathing, but he could not for the life of him slow down. Frantically, he tried to convey his message through fragments of speech in between gasping breaths. “Please....you’ll die. Leave, leave before.... you die. Please, no, no, no.... oh god...I can’t. Not again. Not like....not like them” he choked desperately.

“Shinobi. Report.”

Kakashi snapped to attention, reflexes taking over. Finally, Genma managed to coach him through some breathing exercises and his heartbeat started to slow down. As the adrenaline wore off, the exhaustion started to seep in. Genma pulled him into a hug, still rubbing circles on his back and mumbling into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t like hugs, but.... you had me really worried there.” They stayed in the embrace until Kakashi’s breathing finally slowed to normal.

He mumbled “thanks, _Kaa-san_.” Genma flicked him on the forehead. “Hey!”

Neither of them mentioned the tear streaks dripping down Kakashi’s face or Genma’s uniform.

“Kakashi.... We are shinobi. We all die.”

“Not like that. Everyone who’s ever cared about me ever has died. My father, Minato-sensei, Kushina-san, Rin, Obito.... everyone. I can’t....I can’t lose you too. I’m _Friend-Killer_ Kakashi.” He could feel his heartbeat speeding up again, his thoughts starting to tangle, his throat burning, burning, burning....

Carefully telegraphing his movements, Genma put his arms back around Kakashi’s shoulders and guided him through breathing exercises until he was able to stop choking on his own breaths.

_Of course, Kakashi, you stupid fuck, he was nice enough to bring dinner and all I did was collapse on him like the mess I am. Did I even offer him something to drink? I can’t even think of something to say, how long do you think he’s gonna keep coming back if you pull shit like this? I’m such a piece of shit, I’m not the only one affected by Sensei and Kushina-san’s death, this is so stupid and selfish, he’s two years older than me and has his own problems to deal with that aren’t stupid idiots named Kaka—_

Genma cleared his throat, effortlessly cutting through his mental gibbering. _Wow, how does he do that?_   “Let’s rinse your mouth out and get something to tide you over for the night. I think you need some sleep. Do you have any crackers? Here, drink some water, it’ll help your stomach feel better. Wake me up if you need anything, I’ll just be on the couch.”

Genma’s rambling was almost soothing, and Kakashi found himself on autopilot until he was more or less ushered into bed.

In the morning, he found a clean floor, a note, and some onigiri with some apple slices. _“If you don’t finish these, I will know. I had an early mission, but take it easy for a bit. Tenzō will be by later with some groceries. See you soon.“_

 

:: :: ::

 

Genma sighed. He didn’t actually have to leave until that afternoon, but he wanted to go to the library to follow up on his suspicions. This had been going on for three years now, but Kakashi had never had a panic attack like that before. Well, not in front of him. _I thought this would pass with time, but he looks too thin for this to just be a result of the Anniversary. Has he gotten....worse? Bringing him meals after missions every couple weeks isn't enough anymore. Is this....is this an eating disorder?_  In the beginning, it had seemed like Kakashi was just forgetful. But recently, it was clear that he was doing it on purpose, and he now had a motive. Shinobi were no strangers to self-destruction, but they usually had anchors to stop them from going too far or (in the case they didn’t) would eventually be pulled from active duty and go to Psych.

Gai had even noticed a few months back that Kakashi seemed kind of down. At this point, it was routine for Genma to visit, and one day Gai had pulled him aside. “Genma. My Eternal Rival does not look to be doing so well. I worry for him, but he is not very receptive and I do not wish to pry. Do you know what has happened?"

His lips twitched. _Receptive, thy name is not._ “I don’t know, Gai. As we both know, he’s not great at taking care of himself, and has been taking a lot of brutal missions with ANBU. Maybe take him out to lunch after you guys finish a challenge?”

“My Eternal Rival has been looking a little thin, lately. I will need to remind him that he cannot stay Youthful if he is not taking care of himself!”

Kakashi was far too good at lying and also far too good at his job for anything less than a full breakdown to get pulled from active duty. That little shit would probably go down kicking and screaming if they removed him from active duty as well. _“Anorexia nervosa is characterized by a refusal to maintain a healthy weight....often motivated to lose weight due to inaccurate self-image....low self-esteem....symptoms include....”_

Refusal to maintain a healthy weight? It seemed so. Motivation to lose weight? Unlikely. Kakashi knew that his job required Big Muscles. Inaccurate self-image seemed to be a wash as well. All ninja were very aware of their own bodies. He wasn’t sure about Kakashi’s self-esteem either. There were also symptoms listed for severe malnutrition, but it didn’t seem to have progressed that far. What was far more damning, however, was that the longer the patient had it, the less likely they would be able to make a full recovery. It had already been three years since Minato and Kushina had died.

Genma sighed. It was already time to go bother Tenzō. What he found at the library was inconclusive, but gave him some new things to worry about.

 

 :: :: ::

 

“Tenzō. I have to leave for a mission, but would you mind dropping off some groceries for Kakashi? Here’s some money, just get him some healthy stuff.”

“Is senpai okay? Is he sick? Why does he need somebody to bring him groceries?”

“No, he should be fine. He’s just going through a bit of a rough patch right now, and I wanted to help him out.”

“Thanks, Genma. Good luck on your mission. I’ll keep an eye on senpai.”

It was an open secret that the Copy Ninja was kind of depressed. No one said anything about it, but when you were all in the same Top Secret Murder Club it was hard to miss. Everyone in ANBU was some flavor of fucked up, so it was sort of an unwritten rule to never ever talk about feelings. Genma hated the culture, knew it wasn’t conducive to mental well-being, but also didn’t want to talk about his feelings either. However, he also had a good group of close-knit comrades and knew how to take care of himself like a proper human being. Despite a lot of ribbing, he was undeniably the “parent” in their little friend group, so he just tried to support his friends however he could.

He sighed, putting his thoughts and worries in the “later” corner of his brain and a senbon in his mouth.  _Time to go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered changing the summary to “Single-mindedly determined to catapult himself directly into the sun,” but it didn’t seem tonally appropriate


	4. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever! This chapter was hard to write, for whatever reason. There's a more substantial chapter coming Sunday.

**_June 17th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Genma’s apartment._**

 

Kakashi didn’t get it. Well, he got _it._ he knew what Genma was trying to do. He just didn’t understand _why_ he was trying to do so. Ever since the incident on That Day, Genma had come over at least once a week when they were both in the village.

Kakashi had tried to dissuade the man, but Genma was sticking to him like white on rice. It wasn’t even worth hiding or running away anymore, because Genma was so stupidly persistent.

Kakashi hated it. He hated it. The only reason why Genma’s persistent feeding worked was because he was smart enough to guilt Kakashi into finishing food because “he already bought it and it would go to waste,” or “Raidō and I made it and he thought you would like it.” once he had even hinted that Raidō would be concerned and have to come over himself if Kakashi didn’t eat.

Bastard. Genma had probably told him anyways. But he didn’t really like the possibility of eating with _another_ person who thought he had a problem, so it served the purpose.

Genma was staunch in not taking Kakashi’s attempts at repaying him, which guilted him even more into doing what Genma wanted (eating).

So Kakashi grudgingly ate with Genma every time he came over, regretting that he had opened up in the first place. Really, all this could have been avoided if he didn’t freak out that one time.

So what if he ate less after Genma came over? He just wanted to make sure he was consuming the minimum amount of resources necessary. Genma also only came over when they were both in village and off duty, so Kakashi didn’t need to worry about endangering a mission.

A tiny, tiny, tiny part of him knew that what he was doing was not exactly....healthy, but the much larger part of him knew that he had been completing missions with only minor difficulties and that there was nothing wrong at all with what he was doing, which was nothing in the first place.

 

:: :: ::

 

 _Dammit, what the fuck is happening with this kid?_ Genma had been bringing by food as often as he could for months now, but Kakashi was still definitely not healthy, by any stretch of the word. Absolutely no improvement had occurred. None. It was hard to see improvement or worsening in smaller intervals, but....things definitely weren’t getting better.  Kakashi definitely wasn’t in any immediate danger, but he was one bad mission or illness away from slipping into a real danger zone.

Due to its intense nature, ANBU actually had a regulated dietary program, but no one really checked to see if it was followed. It was more of a recommended guideline to make sure the agents were fueling up appropriately to compensate for heavy physical activity and high chakra expenditure. _To be fair,_  Genma thought, _most shinobi also know the importance of basic nutrition._

Part of him wanted to grab Kakashi by his bird shoulders and shake some sense into him. How could he not see what was going on? How could he not see where he was headed? Genma sighed. Maybe it was time to seriously consider getting him removed from active duty or at least consider a meal plan.

_Is this my fault for letting it go on for so long? Is there something else I could’ve done?_

Genma also hadn’t made any more progress in discerning Kakashi’s motives since the anniversary. He had closed off completely, and Genma was met with silence whenever he tried to pry. Trying to feed Kakashi was like trying to feed a very nervous, very skittish stray cat. No sudden movements or noises permitted.

 

:: :: ::

 

After another month with no progress, Genma had revealed his concerns to Raidō about Kakashi’s dropping weight and almost pathological unwillingness to take care of himself. Together, they parsed through the information he got from the library, with Raidō quickly coming to the same conclusion Genma had. Eating disorder or not, it certainly wasn’t healthy. They tried to brainstorm ways to get Kakashi to talk to Genma or eat more, but they weren’t very successful.

“Gen. we should invite him to eat with us.”

“I dunno, Rai, he doesn’t even like it when I’m there with him. if I even glance at him when we’re eating together, he clams up and stops immediately. He won’t eat if I’m not eating, and he also won’t eat if I try to talk about anything. I want to but…. I don’t know how he would react.”

Raidō quietly accepted Kakashi’s quirks, and instead had resolved to cook for Kakashi as much as possible. He hadn’t interacted with Kakashi as much as Genma had but knew Genma often liked to pick up strays that needed a bit more love and care than most.

“Gen, what’s his favorite food?”

“How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“You’ve been feeding him up for years now. You’ve got to know something.  Do you think he’ll notice if we put vitamins directly in the sauce?”

While neither of them was experienced in dealing with mental health issues, they were both determined to make sure Kakashi didn’t slip through the cracks of himself.

It was almost kind of cute that Kakashi had two mothers clucking around him if you could ignore the fact that he was wasting away.


	5. A Little Less Sixteen Candles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was late, but I couldn't think of a title. I don't even like the one I have now. If anyone has any suggestions, do let me know.
> 
> 6/24/19 note: It has come to my attention that the song I used for the title is “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More Touch Me,” and NOT “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More Happy Birthday.” Which....now makes the chapter title even more nonsensical. Oops?

**_September 15 th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, The Rusty Kunai._ **

 

“Happy 18th birthday, my Eternal Rival! What have you done on this glorious day to commemorate your Special Day?”

Kakashi groaned. Gai knew exactly what he was doing to commemorate his Special Day. Gai was the one to drag him to the bar in the first place. And plan a surprise party. With every single person he knew. To be fair, birthdays were usually just excuses for anyone off duty to go out and drink, but the din was deafening.

Kakashi originally intended to spend his birthday like he spent all his other birthdays, talking to the memorial stone and training. But he had avoided Gai’s last 3 challenges, so he knew he wouldn’t be able to escape without changing his name and defecting to another village for the rest of his life. His own fault, really.

Kakashi also hadn’t done much drinking in general. While he was technically an adult when he became a genin, no bartender in their right mind would serve a 5-year-old. Or a 6-year-old chūnin. Honestly, it was disgusting, but nobody really drank alcohol for the taste.

 _Well,_ he figured _, now’s a good a time as any to start drinking._ “Who wants to do shots?”

Gai’s smile flashed. _How does he do that?_ “My Eternal Rival! You Have Won Our Drinking Competition! Drink some water and I will return with delicious party appetizers! My Congratulations!”

_Holy shit, did I just win a drinking competition with Hurricane Gai?_

The rest of the evening passed in a whirlwind.

 

:: :: ::

 

Four hours later, as the crowd dwindled down, Gai took Genma aside.

Genma. Do you know if he has he eaten today? My Rival became very drunk very quickly! I asked the bartender how much he had drunk, but she said he had only taken three shots. I believe he took two more shortly after. I am....concerned for my Rival.”

Genma glanced over at Kakashi. He was completely shitfaced.  “Usually he doesn’t let himself get that drunk. Rai dropped off a meal earlier this week, but I don’t know about today.”

“Does Raidō know?”

“Yeah, I’ve been eating with Kakashi more often and he was curious. It’s been helpful on the rare occasions that we aren’t deployed together, he’s able to drop off food and check in when I’m busy.” Genma grinned. “He’s actually been getting into trying new recipes because he wanted Kakashi to have some variety in his diet, it’s actually kind of a nice routine we’ve fallen into. He didn’t eat with Kakashi, though. I don’t know if Kakashi knows Raidō knows he has a problem, but I get the feeling he wouldn’t want to eat with him. He barely wants to eat with me but I’ve been clucking around him since he was 14, so he knows he has no choice.”

They both glanced over at Kakashi again. He hadn’t moved from his slumped position at their table. “I think it is time for me to bring him home. Some sleep should do him good,” Gai said.

“I’ll come with you. I get the feeling he’s not going to want to eat in the morning, much less cook.”

Gai slung Kakashi’s arm over his shoulder and extricated him from the booth. “Come, my dear Rival, it is time to go to bed in order for us to face the sun once more.”

“I can walk by myself,” Kakashi slurred. Of course, no sooner than he had said that and pushed himself off Gai’s shoulder did the world spin towards the ground before Genma’s steady hands caught his shoulders. “I’m sure you can, Kashi-chan, but we don’t want your pretty little face smashed in on your birthday. I’m sure you don’t want to go to the hospital, hmm?”

“Fuck off, Kaa-san.” _I’m never drinking again_. His stomach rolled. _Oh my god, I’m gonna throw up._

He blinked. “Hey, Kashi-chan, you’re looking a little rough. You gonna be okay?” Somehow, it felt like this was not the first time Genma had said it. “Yeah. I’m good, thanks.”

Again, as the universe was out to get him, this was the exact moment his stomach pulled a mutiny and decided to eject its contents into the night.  

Luckily, Genma’s spidey senses were well enough intact to avoid a very drunk Kakashi vomiting in slow motion.

As Kakashi retched into the street, he realized where the vague sense of déjà vu was coming from. _Oh well, at least he’s used to me throwing up on him._ Genma was rubbing soothing circles on Kakashi’s back while making sure he didn’t tip forwards into the ground.

Both of them pointedly ignored that there was only alcohol and bile on the ground, despite the abundance of food at the party.

“Alright, my dear Rival, let us take you home quickly!” Before he could protest, Kakashi was lifted onto Gai’s back and dragged in the smoothest body flicker ever to his apartment. It was a testament to how often Gai broke into Kakashi’s apartment as he flawlessly disabled all the traps without really looking.

Kakashi was given water and force fed a ration bar, with Genma easily steamrolling past his drunken protests of “I don’t need it, thanks but I’m fine, no really Genma it’s okay,” before he was marched to bed like a little duckling.

“Sleep, Kashi-chan.” Kakashi pointedly glared at Genma. “Stop calling me that.” Genma smirked as he closed the door to Kakashi’s bedroom. “Goodnight, Kakashi. Sleep well. Happy birthday.”

 

:: :: ::

 

Gai, of course, was busy doing what any good ninja did. Which was unabashedly snooping in a very inebriated Kakashi’s apartment.

“It seems my Rival needs to go grocery shopping a bit.” Gai was staring at the fridge, which only had a cold case of beer and Raidō’s half-eaten stir fry. Genma checked the cabinets, which unsurprisingly had only ration bars, energy drinks, and tea along with the usual seasonings and spices everyone had.

The trash can was empty except for ration bar wrappers and energy drink bottles. Six of each, to be exact. As Kakashi had gotten back 7 days ago, it wasn’t hard to deduce that Kakashi had been eating one of each every day, except for whenever Raidō had dropped off some food.

 _Oh, hell. No wonder he got so drunk so fast. Four shots in an hour on an empty stomach....wow_.

Gai’s face darkened. “Genma, when I went to close the tab, the bartender informed me that he took 8 shots total in the four hours we were there. He took four when we were drinking together before I decided it was time to get him some food, but I didn’t know that he kept drinking.”

 _Shit_. “When he was throwing up, he didn’t eat anything at the party. I thought he only took four, but eight shots on an empty stomach….no wonder he’s so fucked up.” He pinched his nose. “I know the Sandaime instituted a mandatory minimum ten days of downtime between ANBU missions for Kakashi, but if he’s eating like this and training like we know he is, the time off is actually making him worse.”

“Genma. Kakashi is much lighter than he was when I last saw him. He looks thinner, but when I picked him up it was evident. This cannot continue.”

“I know, I could feel his shoulder bones through the uniform. This is getting out of hand. Between the three of us is not enough, but I don’t know what to do at this point. Nothing I’ve tried works. I’m almost considering letting Iwaishi take over ANBU rotations just so I can be there more often. Do you have any suggestions?”

“If my rival is so unwilling to take care of himself, I do not think just a meal plan would be of much help. The Sandaime refuses my requests to be placed into ANBU under him, but I will continue regardless.”

“I’ll talk to him. I don’t think Hokage-sama knows how severe this is.”

Genma sighed, moving toward the door. “Wanna get him some groceries?”

They chatted at the 24-hour store, strategizing the best food to get for Kakashi while quietly brainstorming ways they could get Kakashi to take care of himself all the way from the store back to his apartment. Genma flicked on the rice cooker, and he and Gai quickly made a meal he could eat in the morning that would help the hangover while being easy on Kakashi’s delicate stomach. They quickly scribbled a note down before leaving.

 

:: :: ::

 

Raidō was there to greet Genma when he got home. “Hey, Gen. I just got back from patrol. How was the party?”

“It was great. A lot of people were there, and I got to catch up with Asuma and a couple others. Kakashi had a drinking contest with _Gai_. Gai lost on purpose, but it was still pretty impressive.”

“That’s awesome. How’s Kakashi?”

The mood changed almost instantly. Genma’s lips pressed into a hard line, his eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t….I don’t know.”

Raidō knew his partner like the back of his hand and drew him into a hug as he kissed his forehead. “Hey hey hey, what’s going on? I know some stuff’s up with Kakashi, but I thought the situation quieted down a bit. He didn’t even protest much when I dropped off those noodles earlier for him. He really does like eggplant.”

“That’s only because he knows we won’t take no for an answer,” Genma pointed out. He knows resistance is futile.”

They stood quietly together, holding each other and breathing and just feeling the closeness of the moment.

“He’s getting worse. The speed of his decline is accelerating, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. What we’re doing, what _I’m_ doing, it isn’t enough. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so worried, Rai. He’s—“ Genma shuddered. “He’s killing himself,” he finished quietly. “He’s 18, for Christ’s sake. Yeah, yeah, I know, death is part of our job, but not like this. Never like This. Some girls diet when they’re young, but it’s not to this extreme. And they quickly figure out that dieting is incompatible with the shining lifestyle, and either stop soon after or stop being a kunoichi. I looked in his fridge tonight. He’s only been eating a ration bar and some zero-calorie energy drink a day, and you know how hard he trains. He ate some of the stir fry you dropped off but there was no evidence of _anything_ else. I just. I don’t know what to do.”

Raidō was just as concerned for Kakashi, but he knew that Genma quickly get emotionally tangled up with the people he cared most about. “Genma, you need to you remember that it’s not your responsibility to fix him. You can care for him and support him, but he has to choose to heal himself,” he said, dropping the hug as he moved to get ready for bed. “Remember that it’s not your job or even place or decision to make him get better, no matter how much we both want it to be. He’s old enough to know how to take care of himself. That being said, I do think we do need to get together with Gai and draft up some plans in order to move about this as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it’s three in the morning and there’s nothing we can do in this moment. Let’s go to bed, ne?” He poked Genma in the cheek. “We’ll brainstorm tomorrow.”

 

:: :: ::

 

When Kakashi woke up the next morning, he regretted it immediately. Still, it could have been worse, considering he did eight shots of vodka on an empty stomach. _Throwing up most of it probably helped_ , his brain considerately provided. _Oh shit, did I consume too many calories with the alcohol?_ He had compensated accordingly and was pretty sure he didn’t eat anything at the party, but most of the night after the drinking contest was kind of a blur.

Vodka was Kakashi’s number one drink. It was the highest amount of alcohol with the lowest amount of calories. On a graph, vodka was definitely the most effective method of getting drunk. It was great. Honestly. he didn’t know why anyone would choose to drink anything else. In such a small amount, it was easier to bear the taste and get it over with as fast as possible.

He sighed, smelling the rice and whatever Gai and Genma had cooked last night. Honestly, why did he even let them in his apartment? _Because you know they won’t take no for an answer, dumbass._

The note he read on the counter read, “ _If you don’t eat at least half of this, I will know. And I will set Gai on you for a week straight._ In Gai’s blockier handwriting, it read, _You are in the pinnacle of youth! Now that you are eighteen, you must fuel your body to continue being as youthful as possible._ He sighed.

 _Well, I guess half of this it is._ Only a little for now, though. He didn’t want to upset his stomach before morning training. He would eat the rest of his mandatory half for lunch. Once, he had tried to shirk off eating what Genma wanted, but he actually did know when Kakashi didn’t eat enough. He had hunted him down the next day. It was kind of scary, actually.

After breakfast and his morning stretches, he decided to go on a run with his ninken. Running helped soothe his ever-present jangling nerves, for whatever reason. He summoned all eight of them, feeling the not insignificant drop in chakra. _Oof. I didn’t realize how much chakra that would take. I’m getting out of shape._ Nothing a good run wouldn’t help.

Pakkun was looking at him kind of strangely. “Uh, boss? You good? You’re looking kind of….peaky.” The rest of the dogs nodded. _Honestly, these brats...._ “Thanks, Pakkun, but I’m fine. Last night was later than expected. Let’s go for a nice run. Shiba has been getting kind of round and I would hate for him to get out of shape.” Shiba huffed, annoyed. “Let’s go, my darling pups!”

 

:: :: ::

 

The next day, Gai found Genma and Raidō to discuss the next steps. It was now apparent that Kakashi had an eating disorder, whether he knew it or not. He was far past being a danger to himself and others. They solidified a meal plan, but spent most of their time formulating a case for removal to take up with the ANBU commander and the Hokage. They knew that Kakashi was one of the best operatives, so their argument had to be airtight if they would consider pulling him off of active duty.

Gai, in the end, found the best solution. “I know my Rival hates the hospital, so it is safe to assume he has not received his yearly physical. If the Hokage will not listen based on our case, he will still agree for Kakashi to get the physical before his next mission. No matter what the Hokage says, the ANBU commander will take actions when she sees Kakashi’s vital stats and weight. No matter how important Kakashi is, it will be obvious that sending him into the field would be incredibly reckless.”

They sat in silence, trying to think of anything else that would be helpful. Genma had already written up the information on anorexia nervosa and would present that with their case.

“He’s going to hate us when he eventually finds out we got him benched. But I don’t even care anymore. Are you guys ready?” They nodded.

With that, they packed up and Genma went to submit an urgent request for an audience with the ANBU commander and the Hokage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s come to my attention that this Kakashi is not nearly as good at escape-and-evasion and is a lot more unhinged in general than his older, canonical compatriot. I’m personally choosing to do this because:  
> a) Kakashi is currently younger, and has been less mellowed out by Team 7. It’s also clear that he’s throwing himself into ANBU missions to die.  
> b) Shounen often tends to downplay mental illness and its severity.  
> c) Malnutrition, on his level, is contributing to this. The reason why most restrictive eating disorder sufferers need to gain weight before working on the mental component is that when you’re starving, your brain is a lot more fixated on food and weight loss. Even though Kakashi gives fuck all about how he looks, the weight loss and self-starvation is physiologically and mentally affecting him, whether he knows it or not.
> 
> Also, if you don’t mind, please leave your thoughts! I would like to know what you guys think because I have no self-esteem and am secretly worried you’ll hate everything. peace xoxo


	6. In the Eye of the Hurricane (There is Quiet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter deals with Sakumo’s suicide. Note the date.

**_June 15th, 43 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Hatake Compound._ **

 

Coming home and finding your father dead on the ground with a sword through his stomach would be enough to kill anyone’s appetite.

 

Kakashi curled into his dad’s cooling body and lay there with him for the last time and the stench of blood was overwhelming so he pulled up his mask and.... And the only thing going through his mind was that he was alone and so, so, so alone and his dad was gone. Gone.

_Gone._

The man who hugged him and kissed him and made his favorite food all the time and bought him his special masks all the way from Suna and taught him how to read and _loved_ him had left him all alone forever between the space of one heartbeat and the last.

The man who taught him how to wield a legendary sword and how to fight and how to _kill_ to protect what he held most dear had gone and shoved the very same sword through his guts and bled out in agony for Kakashi to find him on the bedroom floor.

Kakashi couldn’t remember much else after he found the body (that was not his dad, it was a body, it was a body, itwasabody), but all of a sudden he was at Minato-sensei’s apartment.

Sensei said he found him when he didn’t show up for training that afternoon.

He vaguely remembered Minato-sensei giving him a bath and slowly, gently unclenching his fists to reveal half-moon crescents of blood even though he couldn’t feel anything in his hands and—

—and he saw his father’s blood turning the water pink as Sensei rinsed him off and Sensei putting him to bed and oh god oh god oh _god_ things would never be the same again.

Kakashi lay flat on whatever Sensei deposited him on, too tired to even move his head to look around. He stared up at the ceiling, watching Sensei and Kushina-san pass in and out of his field vision. They were speaking at him but Kakashi had already splintered into a million tiny fragments, so they eventually left him alone after tucking a blanket around him.

Kakashi jolted awake after seeing his father’s dead body covered in blood in his dreams. Sensei was there almost immediately and he curled into him, balling his shirt in his hands as sobs wracked through his entire body. He didn't move for the rest of the night.

His heart hurt.

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi was sitting on a couch with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He didn’t remember how he got there, but it didn’t matter.

Sensei gently nudged him as he sat down. “C’mon, Kashi, I know you don’t feel like eating much right now, but it’s been two days since you’ve eaten or drank anything and Kushina and I are very concerned. Are you sure you don’t want dinner?” He tried to hand over a bowl. Kakashi felt like he was watching Sensei from above as he tried to do....whatever he was trying to do. Sensei enveloped Kakashi’s tiny hand in his own as he tried again, but the only thing Kakashi could think was _warm._

He hadn’t realized he was so cold. 

Kakashi shook his head. “Not hungry. It’s okay,” he replied, curling back into himself to resume staring at the couch. “Thanks, Sensei,” he mumbled. 

Later, Sensei picked Kakashi’s limp body up off the couch and put him to bed.

When Kakashi jolted awake after seeing his dad’s body again, Sensei was there already as he held on for dear life and cried himself to exhaustion into sensei’s chest again. He didn't move for the rest of the night.

His heart hurt.

 

:: :: ::

 

Some time later, Sensei tried to convince him to eat something again.

Sensei took a deep breath. “Kakashi, you really need to drink something. And eat something. I’ve let this go on for too long. You’re very, uh, small, and the human body can only go three days without water, no matter how good they are at chakra control. But you still need to drink something and preferably eat something too. I’ll get whatever you want.”

He sighed as Kakashi remained catatonic.

“If you don’t at least drink something, I will take you to the hospital so we can properly rehydrate you. It’s been almost three days. And though it’s really not ideal, we can get a feeding tube put in if you really don’t want to eat. I’m sorry, I know you hate the hospital, but I can’t watch you waste away like this in front of my eyes, and—and I’m really sorry about your father, but please, Kakashi....if you are unable to take care of yourself, it is my duty as your Sensei to do so. Not only that, but I love and care about you so much. So, so much. And it hurts to see you like this.” 

 _Sensei....Sensei_ loves _me?_  Kakashi nodded, dumbstruck at this new revelation. Guilt welled in a lump at the back of his throat as Sensei sighed in relief and disappeared into the kitchen. Had he really caused that much worry? _Why does it matter to him so much?_

Sensei returned with a steaming mug of jasmine tea, and pressed it into his hands. He didn’t budge or move his eyes from Kakashi until he finished all of it. "Thanks, Kashi," he murmured. Sensei ruffled his hair ( _just like Tou-san just like Tou-san just like Tou-san_ ) and Kakashi returned to his curled up position on the couch. 

Sensei and Kushina-san appeared with food not long after and sat on either side of him, moving aside the blanket so Sensei could put a bowl of miso soup in his hands. Kushina-san felt around the couch for the remote, and....

“Kakashi.” That was Sensei’s voice. He floated back to his body. _What did he say?_

“Kakashi. I need you to eat,” Sensei firmly stated. “I know you don’t feel like it, but you need to anyways.” 

He could hear Sensei just fine, but something felt wrong. It was like he was drifting in mid-air, and everything was slightly out of focus as he watched it. But Sensei looked worried, so he struggled to come back as he nodded. All of a sudden, he realized that he was kind of hungry. He took a sip.

Of course, just as that thought finished, he immediately choked on the soup and a sob erupted from somewhere painful inside of him. _Eggplant._

“Wh-what’s wrong? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? Kushina cooked it, so it should taste fine! Is it too salty? Here, I ca—”

Kushina-san clapped her hand over Sensei's mouth, abruptly cutting off his panic as she quietly took over.  “What’s wrong, Kakashi? I can make you something else if you like, but you do need to eat it,” she said calmly. She pried the bowl from his hands and rubbed her hand across his back in calm, comforting circles as he tried to get himself under control.

After several seconds of regulated breathing, he was able to choke out, “No. It’s delicious. Eggplant....is my favorite. Tou-san used to make it just like that before he....before he—”

He was pulled into a strong Kushina-hug before he could continue. “Oh, Kakashi, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I’ll get you something else, okay?”

She pressed her untouched cup of tea in his hands and got up from the couch.

Minato-sensei nudged Kakashi. “Kakashi, can you try to drink some more tea? Just a little bit, okay, before Kushina comes back.”

Kakashi wasn’t thirsty. He wasn’t anything. But Sensei looked upset again, so he forced his hand to move so he could drink.

Sensei smiled his sunshine smile when he finished all the tea, and Kakashi could feel himself drifting off again. He could feel his eyes closing. He was tired. So, so tired.  

Kakashi leaned into Sensei and drifted into nothingness.

 

:: :: ::

 

Sensei nudged him awake and forced another sip of tea into him. “Kushina’s back with ramen. Let’s eat with her.”

Kakashi mechanically nodded.

Kushina-san handed him a take-out container of tonkatsu ramen. “They made a bowl just for you, Kashi. Just how you like it, ne? Now eat up so you can fall asleep on Sensei again. Itadakimasu!”

He tried to tell them that it was okay, he really wasn’t hungry, but neither Sensei nor Kushina-san could be convinced.

He felt the hot broth going down his throat and into his stomach, and could only think  _that's where the sword was that's where the sword was_  but Sensei and Kushina-san looked really worried so he choked down as much as he could.

 

Coming home and finding your father dead on the ground with a sword through his stomach would be enough to kill anyone’s appetite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, @LeafFic for beta-ing! Also, I'm experimenting with my writing style, so let me know what you think!
> 
> 6/24/19 note: 690 hits with 69 kudos hehehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	7. A Job That Slowly Kills You, Bruises That Won’t Heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title shamelessly ripped off from the best Radiohead song. Nothing else to say here except a possible content warning for eating disorder thoughts, but you’re all kind of expecting that at this point. 
> 
> This chapter’s been glaring at me from the pits of my google drive for a week now. Even though I kept rewriting it, nothing got better. Whatever. If you don’t like this chapter, at least the next three will be better. 
> 
> Also, thanks for 50 subscribers!

**_September 23rd, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Hokage’s Office._ **

 

After the ANBU agents left the room, the room glowed an eye-watering blue for a brief moment as the privacy seals were activated.

“Hokage-Sama. Bear-taichō. Thank you for agreeing to meet us in private on such a short notice.” The Hokage smiled. “At ease, gentlemen. What do you have for me today?” Genma, Gai, and Raidō rose from a kneel in the Hokage’s office and shared one last glance before Genma continued. It was agreed ahead of time that Genma would do the bulk of the speaking, as he had been monitoring Kakashi for the longest. “Permission to speak freely, Hokage-sama, Bear-taichō?”

“Permission granted. You may continue.”

Genma took a deep breath. “With respect, Hokage-sama, it is our unanimous opinion that Hatake Kakashi needs to be removed from active duty, and should have been at least nine months ago. Not only is he physically unwell, he is also becoming increasingly unstable and has been endangering himself on the daily. The value of mission completion is far outweighed by the consequences. We request that he be given indefinite leave and assigned to a psychologist until he is of sound state of mind.”

Hiruzen frowned. “Kakashi-kun has been successfully completing missions in rapid succession, but I already mandated that he have ten days in between any two missions at the recommendation of our dear commander. That is already a good deal of leeway not afforded to anyone else. That is not usually something I would allow, especially as Konoha is in need of every able-bodied shinobi right now. The only reason this is in effect is that his overall mission count is high, which makes up for the difference. Would you deprive Konoha of even more just because he is stressed? All shinobi are trained in dealing with stress. It’s in the job description.”

 _I mean, yes, that’s what breaks are for?? Dick move, old man. Do you even care about Kakashi? Oh god, I probably shouldn’t be thinking this in the Hokage’s office. Is this treason? Whatever._ Genma schooled his face and neutrally continued, “While he may be completing them now, there will come a point in time where he breaks. Would it not be better to allow him some rest before a mission goes wrong or he goes dark? Hokage-sama, ever since Min—“ His eye twitched. “—since the Yondaime passed, you cannot deny that he has been more reckless. A breakdown has been long since coming.”

“Are you doubting his effectiveness in the field? Kakashi-kun has always been good at putting personal emotions aside for the good of a mission. He has not indicated otherwise in his recent reports. I see no reason to stop him.”

Genma could feel a headache coming on. “No, Hokage-sama.” And his temper rising. “I am not doubting his efficacy as a shinobi or trying to deprive Konoha of her resources.” _Oh, the irony._ “I am worried about Kakashi. He’s.... He is self-destructing and I’m....” Genma could feel his anger and indignation rising and struggled to keep his face neutral. 

Gai and Raidō shared a glance. Raidō stepped forward. “Hokage-sama, we do have evidence to suggest that Kakashi is suffering from anorexia nervosa.”

Hiruzen blinked, entirely nonplussed. “What? The female civilian disease?” Even Bear-taichō looked surprised, or at least as surprised as someone could with a face covering her mask.

“....Yes. While it is most commonly diagnosed in civilians, there is nothing to suggest that it is exclusively limited to civilians. Or women. We know for a fact that Kakashi has not been eating properly both on and off missions. While he has always been lean, he is dangerously thin now.” 

The Sandaime looked ready to object, probably on the basis of “Well, Genma-kun, that’s what the ten days off are for! Everything is fine!,” but Bear-taichō stepped forward. “What other evidence do you have?”

Genma bit out, “He eats one ration bar a day. Sir. Both on a mission and off of it. He will not eat more unless I force him to sit with me. He has been alarmingly thin for years. And he is in complete denial that he has a problem.” An ugly, mirthless laugh escaped his lips. “I can feel his fucking _ribs_ through his shirt. I have been feeding him and checking up on him for four years now, Hokage-sama, and he has not gotten better. While he had periods where he was doing better, he never returned to full health. He looks like he’s ready to collapse at any given moment. While some of that is my fault for not reporting it sooner, I would think that you or _somebody_ wou—“

 

Gai stepped in right before Genma stuck his foot so far in his mouth he would never get it back. “Bear-taichō!” His loud, boisterous voice cut Genma off as Raidō quickly grabbed Genma’s hand in an effort to head off his temper. “My Eter—Kakashi has been taking part in my challenges for as long as I can remember. When he last challenged me, he was very pale and looked tired. Still, he challenged me to run three laps around the village. After what should have been such an easy challenge, he spent ten minutes catching his breath. Even as a genin, he has never been that winded after a simple run. I could not convince him to eat lunch with me even though he looked like he was about to pass out. He attributed it to not having had his morning caffeine. On his birthday last week, he—“ 

Gai cut himself off, hesitating to reveal more personal details to the Sandaime.

Raidō took this as his cue to step in. “I know shinobi all have their.... quirks, but I think this goes past that. We have observed enough of his behavior to know it is physically taking a toll, if not mentally as well. Even if it just seems like speculation, it would be a good idea to check just in case.” 

“Thank you, gentlemen. These anecdotes will be taken into consideration at kakashis next assessment. Thank you, Genma-kun, Gai-kun, Raidō-kun for bringing this to my attention. Your concerns will be addressed seriously and investigated. Unfortunately, I have a meeting with Councilman Shimura I need to get to. You are dismissed.”

Still slightly behind the Sandaime, Bear-taichō discreetly signed _talk-later-tonight-seven_ with the hand that Hiruzen couldn’t see to Raidō, who twitched his eyebrows in acknowledgement.

Before Genma could say anything, Raidō manhandled both him and Gai out of the office after a sharp bow and a “Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

 

Now that they were alone, Hiruzen allowed the surprise to show on his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Genma-kun that angry at anything before. Have you, Bear-taichō?”

“No, Hokage-sama.” Something in her voice softened. “He cares deeply about his comrades. Genma is not an impulsive person, and puts forth valid concerns. It would be a good idea to actually investigate his claims.”

Hiruzen pressed his lips together. “They are soft,” he sighed. “You know as well as I do that we cannot afford to pull someone as efficient as Kakashi from the field, much less investigate the gossip that runs rampant in this damn village.”

“Even so, if something is wrong, it is better to pull him now for a short time instead of having Kakashi break down and have to be permanently removed in the future. He was very close with the Yondaime, and his death hit him hard.”

“It hit all of us hard. I lost my _wife_ in the attack. I never expected to retake the Hokage mantle, but here I am. We will _not_ be removing Kakashi-kun from active duty. Dismissed, Bear-taichō.”

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi stood, looking in the mirror of his apartment. As always, he closely and impartially examined his entire body. From the looks of it, he was probably gaining weight. That excess on his stomach and legs definitely hadn’t been there before. Actually, neither had the fat on his arms. Now that he thought about it, his face definitely seemed a little rounder. He sighed, knowing that he had fucked up his carefully balanced ratio of eating to training.

After all, he needed to use the fewest resources possible. He strived to be a perfect machine, flawlessly executing his job leaving nothing to waste. A layer of fat that still covered his body meant either that he didn’t need to eat as much because he could survive off his own body’s excess or that he had more energy he should be using to train and better himself, or both.

Kakashi didn’t hate his body, or how it looked, but he was annoyed that no matter how hard he was trying, he never seemed to be able to divert his body into using up all the fat no matter how little he ate. It wasn’t really a huge deal, all it meant was that he had to eat less and work harder, but the sheer _hunger_ he felt was starting to affect his performance on missions. Konoha could not afford for Hound to make mistakes. His reputation was as much a weapon as his sword, and even though it had been years since the Kyuubi, Konoha still hadn’t returned to its original prosperous state. Even filling up his stomach with chakra didn’t help anymore, which was a trick he developed early on for when he forgot to eat.  

Even after all this, his body still stubbornly held on to an almost unhealthy sheer excess of fat. _Maybe this is a training problem, maybe I’m getting lazy. I’ll just have to train more in my off time. It’s not like I can do anything else when the Hokage makes me stay in the village for ten days after every mission. Maybe if I do that and eat only half a ration bar a day it will be enough to successfully utilize my fat stores._ Maybe it was because Genma had been feeding him too much. He would have to start cooking his own meals just to get Genma off his back without force feeding him. Genma just didn’t _understand_ that Kakashi was trying to be the best he could possibly be.

With that in mind, he set out to buy groceries immediately. He had ten whole days before he could take his next mission anyways. Even though the mission to **[REDACTED]** only lasted two instead of the expected seven days, Bear-taichō still enforced the rule.

 

:: :: ::

 

Genma was _furious_. He glared at anyone who dared glance his way and his anger was so strong that he was accidentally radiating killer intent in a five meter radius around him. The moment they left the building, he body flickered away before Raidō or Gai could say anything.

Raidō sighed. They had all known, going into the meeting, that they would likely be unsuccessful, but it stung all the same. The Sandaime was so focused on regaining power that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees. “He just needs some time to cool off. Genma loses his cool a lot quicker when it comes to the people he cares most about.”

Gai wasn’t happy either. “We did not get a chance to suggest Kakashi’s physical or a meal plan with Sandaime-sama. He seemed unwilling to discuss the issue at all,” he frowned. 

Raidō sighed again. “Hokage-sama will be unwilling to, but Bear-taichō believed us.”

“How do you know?” 

“She signed it behind our glorious Hokage-sama’s back. Hey, do you want to come back to our place? That was we can discuss our next steps when Genma comes back from kicking the shit out of some poor training ground, because I think he might have been too angry to see Bear-taichō’s signal.” 

“Are you sure?” Gai asked. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Of course. I’ve also got a new recipe I want to try, and it’s more fun cooking for more people anyways.”

:: :: ::

 

Bear found Genma in one of the ANBU-only training grounds alternatively kicking the shit out of a training dummy and throwing senbon at the surrounding trees. Littered around him were branches he had already managed to cut off by precisely throwing multiples along a branch. Neither explicitly acknowledged the other as they wordlessly transitioned into a taijutsu-only spar. While Genma was good, he was almost immediately reminded of why Bear was ANBU commander. She was good at _everything_. After just five minutes of getting his ass handed to him, Genma conceded the impromptu match.

“Feeling better?”

“Yes. Thank you, Bear-taichō. I assume you’re here about Kakashi?” Bear nodded, but Genma still hesitated. He didn’t like interfering with other people’s lives, even though it was for Kakashi’s own good. “Can we talk about this at my apartment? Raidō and Gai are almost undoubtedly there, and you’re welcome to stay for dinner if you like. Taichō.”

Bear grinned behind her mask. It seemed the little hothead hadn’t noticed her message.” _Ah, well.... it worked out anyways._ “Thank you. I also had my concerns about Kakashi, and I am glad to see that someone else is keeping an eye on him.”

In companionable silence, they set out for Genma and Raidō’s apartment.

 

:: :: ::

 

When they arrived, Raidō and Gai already had dinner ready. Bear removed her mask and quickly casted the customary henge for when ANBU operatives had to take their masks off. “Taichō!” Raidō exclaimed. “See if you can guess the secret ingredient we put in the sauce.” 

Genma laughed. “It better not be multivitamins again.”

“Dammit, Gen, you’re no fun. You were supposed to let her guess!”

“Sorry that I think our commander should get a heads-up if she’s about to eat _sand_.”

“That was one time! You know we fixed it!”

Through their bickering, Gai explained. “Raidō has been trying to sneak as many nutrients into the food he and genma bring for Kakashi. It seems tonight you will be a test subject for Noodle Dish #6. It’s actually not bad, but the sauce is indeed a bit.... gritty.” 

“Hey! You said it was fine, you traitor. You try pulverizing multivitamins that smoothly. No matter how fine it is, it always comes out in the sauce.”

As both a taijutsu powerhouse and a very good cook, Gai immediately crushed four multivitamins and incorporated them into his miso soup. He passed the bowl around for a taste.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You mean I’ve been eating sand for months for _no reason?_ ” Genma glared at Raidō.

“Sorry, Gen, but I don’t see you volunteering to crush multivitamins.”

 

After dinner, the lighthearted atmosphere quickly turned serious.

“Not to be blunt, Taichō, but why did you believe us?” Genma asked.

She hesitated. This was coming close to breaking confidentiality. “I don’t quite yet, but I do know something is wrong. I’ve only been commander for five years, but I’ve been in ANBU since **[REDACTED]**. I remember how different he was under Minato. He has been in the missions office exactly ten days after any mission he gets back from, no matter how long it was. Before I forced the sandaime to do that, he would try to take missions even with chakra exhaustion. The minute he had enough chakra to fill a thimble he’d request another one. I put the moratorium in when it became clear he wasn’t going to stop.” She sighed.  

“Shinobi who do this for more than a few months usually burn out quickly and end up being retired from active duty. Or they die once they hit their breaking point when everything catches up to them out in the field. Kakashi’s been doing this for years now, with no signs of stopping. This either means he’s just _that good,_ as the Sandaime seems to think, or that whatever happens will be especially catastrophic. Unfortunately, with the current political climate, Hokage-sama is very focused on showing Konoha’s strength. Hound is an agent to be feared.”

Bear smiled sadly. “Also, nobody wears two layers of clothes in this weather.”

“When I first started bringing him food, it was like he forgot to eat or just didn’t bother to. He protested me bringing him food, but would finish the meal without issue. But as time went on, he started to protest having to eat. It’s hard to get him to eat now, much less finish the food. I’ve had to chase him around because he literally runs away.” 

Gai continued. “If this started three years ago, I know for a fact that he ate a better variety as well. I often challenged him to cooking competitions, and he is actually a decent cook.”

“That’s why I’ve been trying to pack nutrients in all his food,” Raidō chimed in. 

As they pooled information and traded anecdotes, it became undeniable that Kakashi was unwell, and had been for a long time coming. Kakashi being infamous for things like having chronic chakra exhaustion was funny and a little concerning, but in this new light it was much more damning. His less than average stamina had been a surprise, considering the powerhouse Sakumo had been, but it was chalked up to the fact that his mother had smaller coils. Now it was potentially due to a straight up case of malnutrition.

Still, they knew they needed more evidence to firmly convince her, so Gai suggested the physical exam. His current estimate of Kakashi's weight was the clincher. Even Genma and Raidō hadn’t known that part. But they weren’t surprised either.

Genma knew she was convinced when she saw her eyes widen at the number. “Bear-taichō. If we can force Kakashi to get a physical at the hospital, we might be able to make a case on his physical condition alone. Along with weight, both low bone density and chakra depletion are all undebatable signs of malnutrition. Sandaime- _sama_ won’t be able to ignore that,” he bitterly said. “And we all know that “concerns will be addressed” is Hokage-speak for “I’m going to do fuck all about that.”

Bear frowned, but did not comment. He wasn’t wrong, and everyone in the room knew it. She was glad they trusted her enough to speak frankly, especially when concerning the mental wealth and hellness of her shinobi. It was why she had an honesty policy in the first place—both parties trusted each other that private conversations were actually private unless it concerned the well-being of the village. There was some flak at the beginning because she was very different from the previous commander, but she had learned a lot more about her shinobi this way. And they were _hers_.

(The belief that all the insignificant little things combined together made a difference was why the Yondaime appointed her ANBU commander when he took the mantle. The more honest assessments of their temperaments and abilities meant she was able to better assign missions. Bear knew the Council was suspicious at first and that many thought she was soft, but mortality rates under her command had fallen thirty percent so they could go fuck themselves as far as she was concerned.) 

However, it did not bode well that two out of the three people who could do the Hiraishin felt this way about their military dictator. But that was a future problem, and not her problem. It would be up to the Sandaime to regain their trust.

As she rose and donned her mask to leave, she addressed the shinobi in front of her.  “Thank you, gentlemen, for bringing this to my attention and having the courage to speak frankly to the Hokage, even when you knew he would not want to hear it. I will see what I can do about the physical, and after what I’ve heard, a psych evaluation from Yamanaka **[REDACTED]** would not go amiss. The physical should not be an issue because he is long past due for one. Continue to closely monitor him, and do not disclose to anyone what was discussed tonight. Submit a finalized meal plan for weight gain in the next twenty-four hours.”

“Yes, taichō!” All three musketeers stood at attention and saluted.

“Good work.” Her eyes softened, hidden by the mask. “Dismissed.” And with that, she disappeared into the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear-taichō’s identity is so secret even I don’t know who she is.


	8. Everyone and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there cats and cowards, long time no see. Thanks for a thousand hits! And a hundred kudos, a perfect 1:10 ratio. I know it’s not that many, but this is 1) a niche story with 2) a mediocre author, and 3) there isn’t even smut. Which is like 90% of ao3. Thanks for the dopamine rush!

**_October 2nd, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure,_ ** **[REDACTED].**

 

“Taichō, is there a mission you have for me?”

“I told you, I don’t want to see your face until 10 days after a mission is up. What are you doing here?”

“With respect, the last mission you gave me lasted only two days instead of the expected week. A ten day break is unnecessary in this circumstance.”

“Hound, it’s come to my attention that you have not gotten a physical within the last two years. Consider this unexpected break time to get one. Get one within the next ten days. And before you try to argue, consider your arguments countered. I’m only giving you C-ranks until you get cleared by medical. I won’t have one of my agents fucking up an important mission because of a potential untreated illness.”

“But—“

“Yes, I know there are few C-ranked ANBU missions and there may not always be one for you. No, I don’t care. No, I won’t consider bending the ten day rule if there’s a mission that comes up during that time. If there isn't one that needs to be taken, there isn't one that needs to be taken. Consider it motivation to get your physical. Dismissed, Hound.”

Bear felt a grim satisfaction she watched Kakashi walk out with barely controlled frustration under his professional veneer. _Good. Maybe that means he’ll actually get one before the end of the week_.

 

:: :: ::

 

It was not a good day for Genma.

He had been so proud when Kakashi told him he was going to start cooking for himself. Even prouder when he had some color in his face and finished the whole meal for the first time in _forever_.

Genma had left Kakashi’s apartment that night with a smile on his face. _He’s doing better. Finally._ This change was sudden. _Maybe,_ he thought, _maybe something happened on his birthday._

Whatever it was, it was a relief.

Genma was starting to get cabin fever, as he hadn’t taken a longer mission in a few months because he was worried about Kakashi. Lucky for him, there was a high-priority scroll that needed delivering to Grass, so it was a good mission to stretch his legs and a nice milk run to get back into the swing of things.

Genma had gotten back the day before as he let himself in to drop off a meal for Kakashi, even though Kakashi said he was cooking for himself now. He had cooked an extra portion out of habit, so he figured he might as well feed Kakashi anyways. The suspicious part of him also wanted to snoop around and make sure Kakashi was cooking whole and balanced meals, but Kakashi had been looking better lately—his skin no longer had that unhealthy pallor, and his uniform looked like it was fitting him better. His cheekbones were a little less prominent. He was hopeful that Kakashi had finally pulled himself out of his slump. Though his eating disorder (and _wow isn’t that weird to finally give it a name_ ) always tended to worsen around the Anniversary, this round had been so much worse and a lot longer to boot.

Actually, if he thought about it, Kakashi had been this bad since at least last October, and it was now.... October. Shit. Genma recalled the effects of malnutrition and the disorder itself and hoped it wasn’t too late to stave off any permanent repercussions. It was good that Kakashi seemed to be doing better, which meant he would be out of the danger zone soon despite the Anniversary coming up. _Maybe he remembered that Minato would have wanted him to be well._

 

Genma had taken the cooking as a sign of improvement. Until he saw what Kakashi had actually been “cooking” and looked in his fridge.

If miso soup even counted as cooking. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Nobody answered in the empty apartment. _Okay, fuck this, let’s see how the Commander likes this news._

(She didn’t.)

“I thought it was a good thing that he was cooking, but it turns out he was just using that as a way to get me off his back. He’s been looking better too, but now I’m suspicious about _that_.”

“ANBU does have standard meal rations for those who don’t want to think about it. I’m putting Kakashi on this. Whenever he’s in the village, I expect him to eat with one of you three or myself, but we both know he’ll never choose that. I’ll make sure at least one of you is in the village at all times. It’ll better to break the news in private, so I’ll tell him alone tomorrow. Be prepared.”

“How is the petition to remove him from active duty coming along? He’s been looking a little better lately but if miso soup is all he eats that won’t last long. If he ever _was_ doing better.”

“The Sandaime was firm that Kakashi is fine because of his mission completion rate. To be fair, it’s one of the best in the village. Try to see this from his point of view as the military commander of thousands of soldiers. Smaller details get left behind. Kakashi has proven to be consistently exceptional, so without a break in the results, it's hard to see what's truly going on. We can see because we have a personal connection to him, and because we see him often. Even though he has the Hokage’s favor, he’s still just one person.  The Sandaime resigned when he did for a reason, and while he’s doing the best he can, it doesn’t change the fact that he should be well beyond retired now.”

”That doesn’t mean he should just ignore Kakashi dying in front of him.”

“I know. But try not to begrudge the Hokage so much for trying to do what is right for the village. I told Kakashi to get a physical three days ago, and put him on C-ranks only until then. In light of this and an unbiased psych eval, it should be enough to justify medical leave. In the meantime, him eating at least a balanced meal every day will at least be better than whatever he’s doing now.”

 

It was not a good day for Genma.

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi was confused when the Commander told him that Genma would be monitoring him. To _eat._ Genma did that already. So why was he on probation?

It was convenient that he was already at the memorial stone when Genma found him to explain so he didn’t even have to tell his dead friends himself. They could hear it firsthand.

Genma wasted no time getting into it. “We’re going to lay down some ground rules. First, you have to eat a meal a day with someone else. Not negotiable. Second, stop eating those fucking ration bars. Not only are they disgusting, but they’re meant for in the field as a last resort to _actual food._ Third, you will be following the regulation ANBU diet. That being said, I know you’ll continue eating them anyways, so I’m just going to say that your one meal with us is _not_ allowed to be a ration bar. Or miso soup, for fuck’s sake. That’s a starter. Not a meal.”

“Us?”

“Yes. Me, Raidō, Gai, or the Commander. At least one of us will be in the village, and if there is more than one you can choose who you want to eat with. Bear’s direct orders.”

“Is this a fucking joke? You hover already. I don’t need to be on probation.”

“Well, if there’s nothing wrong, it shouldn’t be that big of an issue. You’re just eating lunch with a friend. Or dinner or breakfast, I suppose.”

“What if I’m on a mission?”

“You’re on C-Ranks. Those don’t take all day.”

“What about when I’m not on C-Ranks?”

“We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

“What if.... What if I wanted to go out to eat with someone else?”

“Who? You don’t talk to anyone else.”

Kakashi sniffed. “Tenzō. I have many friends that you don’t know about. And eight dogs.”

“Well, that’s why there are three meals in a day, so you can go out to eat and eat with one of us. You can even go out to eat twice. Or eat with us twice.”

Kakashi inwardly shuddered. His eye twitched a little. _Never_. “What if I—“

 

They sat in silence for a bit.

 

“What if I don’t want to?” Kakashi asked, his voice suddenly very small.

“Tough shit.”

“The Hokage thinks I’m fine.”

“Yeah, well. He’s wrong.”

“He’s the Hokage. And he _knows_ I’m fine.”

“The Commander and I beg to differ.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because you are incapable of taking care of yourself.”

“Okay, but why are you _really_ doing this?”

“Because. You. Are. Incapable. Of. Taking. Care. Of. Your. Self.”

“Uh-huh. Thanks.”

 _Fine,_ Genma thought _. Do you want to play it that way?_ “Oh, cut the shit, Kakashi. I saw what you’ve been “cooking.” I know that you know _somewhere in there_ that a person can’t eat miso soup with a ration bar once a day and still be a functioning shinobi. But your eating disorder is so severe now that it’s fucking with your ability to think rationally. It has for a _long_ time now. You are playing with fire and right now you are getting burned. Anorexia is _dangerous_ , Kakashi.”

Kakashi physically recoiled at the words.“I do _not_ ,” he hissed, “have _anorexia._ ”

“Yeah? Prove it. Explain to me why you’re underweight for years. Explain to me why you only eat me and Rai’s food because you feel guilty and won’t eat enough on your own. I saw your ‘meals.’” Genma violently used air quotes, pacing back and forth as he did so. “Miso soup isn’t a _meal,_  Kakashi. It’s mostly water. And I know you know that. _Explain to me_ why you eat ration bars when there is no need to.”

“Why were you even in my apartment in the first place? And I told you, it’s more efficient especially with missions and.... stuff.”

“Yeah? And will it be _efficient_ when your hair falls out? Will it be _efficient_ when you break a bone from calcium deficiency? Will it be _efficient_ when your heart stops in the middle of the night?" Genma threw his mouth senbon into a tree.  "This is serious, Kakashi. It hurts so much to see you like this, watching you self-destruct. You’re slowly killing yourself. I know that you don’t care about that, but I do. We _all_ do.” Genma was ready to bundle Kakashi up and drag him to his apartment and spoon-feed him every single meal for his own good.

Instead, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  “I need to go cool down,” he muttered. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

 

:: :: :: 

 

Kakashi turned back to the stone. “So, guys,” he murmured, “what’d you think?”

Kakashi took their silence as permission to carry on.

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, clutching his knees to his chest as he looked at their names on the Stone. “I know I have no right to say this, seeing as I personally killed two of you, but.... I wish you guys were here. I know what you would say, Minato-sensei, but it’s not the same as having you say it. But I’m okay. I promise. Genma was exaggerating. I’m okay.” He choked out a particularly wretched laugh. “Obito, I’ve said this before, but you would be laughing at me if you could see me now. You were always looking for a weak spot, to try and take me down, when all you’d have to do now is eat a meal with me. Rin, you were a medic so you would know I’m not lying about being okay. I'm healthy and fine. It’s just. Complicated. But I’m....I’m okay. I’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered.

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi was perfectly fine, thank you very much. He had shown that he was cooking his own meals and Taking Care of Himself. He was eating more than the ration bars. There was tofu in the soup, so, yknow, protein. _And_ eggplant. It was balanced. And now, instead of backing off, they were giving him fucking lunchables and had to eat one meal a day with someone?

And where was this even coming from? He. Was. _Fine._ He was cooking for himself now and had even been casting a low level glamour (which was _exhausting_ ) ever since that birthday party whenever he went out in public that made him look “better.” Why “better” apparently meant “desk shinobi eating too much and not training enough to compensate,” he had no idea, but Genma had stopped hovering as much. Which was why they shouldn’t be worrying anymore. It was a Sharingan genjutsu, so there was no way any of them had broken or seen through it. So why were they on his ass? Why did it even matter?

Kakashi was practicing taijutsu with the wild animals in the Forest of Death. After Genma had left and he finished talking to his team, he scrambled to find a good place to train himself into exhaustion and _stop thinking now_. His chakra reserves were always low these days, with the Sharingan and the glamour constantly draining chakra, so the decision to go taijutsu-only came easily. No matter how skilled a shinobi was, getting chakra exhaustion in the Forest of Death was just asking for trouble. Kicking the shit out of things was also cathartic and served to drive all other thoughts out of his head. _I do_ not _have anorexia. I_ _do not have_ anorexia _._ I _do not have anorexia and that is ridiculous and—_ His thoughts were cut off by the roar of a giant bear. _Perfect._

 

After a long and arduous day in Training Ground 44, Kakashi was more than ready to leave. Having only fought fourteen creatures kind of bugged him, but there was nothing close by to make that perfect fifteen. He couldn’t unfight four either to make it ten. Sighing, he leapt into the trees to make his way home.

....and blacked out before he could secure a foothold on a branch. _Shit._

Kakashi woke up to a pounding headache and chakra exhaustion on the quiet forest floor. It was a stroke of luck that nobody had come across him, though Kakashi doubted that he had been out for long. Once he felt good enough to stand, he made his way up a small tree and collapsed back on the lowest branch so he could safely recuperate enough chakra to get back to his apartment. He pulled out his emergency ration bar from its secret pocket to jump-start the process. _Ha. Genma can’t complain about ration bars now._

(Genma and Raido were getting ready for bed when Genma twitched, an irritated look flashing across his face. “Gen?” “Nothing, Rai.”)

 

:: :: ::

 

It was a good thing that Kakashi had grown quite adept over the years at discreetly sealing food away when he didn’t want to eat it. It had only taken a week to modify a standard storage seal to fit the size of his palm and another day to get rid of the telltale puff of smoke. Now all he had to do was palm the seal, channel chakra into his hand, and nonchalantly put it over whatever he was supposed to be eating.

Of course, he also had to find a way to make the seal activate with chakra input from under the seal instead of above, and figure out a way to seal multiple things at different times into the same seal (after all, it was a dead giveaway if all your food disappeared at once), and to modify the storage parameters to seal things of very different densities and compositions all at once. Apparently, standard food storage seals depended on everything being in a consistent container with the same composition in order to seal everything at once. Without it, sealing for things like beef took a different formula than say, sealing rice. Heterogeneous compounds, like soup, were the absolute _worst_. It took two nights alone just to work out the calculations for that.

Kakashi had ended up with a seal as big as a sheet of A4 paper that had to be compressed into his palm, which took another day to figure out. The seal also had five separate activator channels, depending on what he was trying to seal, and eleven separate uses before the seal had to be reset. Maybe it was something about prime numbers.

Fuinjutsu was _weird._

Luckily, he had come up with the idea way back when the Commander made the whole ten day thing a requirement after Genma had started feeding him up, so Kakashi had had more than enough time to fiddle around with it between missions. By now, Kakashi had refined the seal close enough to perfection and was able to regularly use it during a meal with other people.

_Ha. Suck it, Commander._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Oh, Kakashi. If only you used that genius brain of yours for something other than a really sneaky way to hide food. 
> 
> 2\. So I finally got my diploma!!!! Lucky for me, my life is a BFG (Big Fuckin Gnightmare) and I’ve been doing what should be a 4 month experiment in 4 weeks instead before i move back home to start my job. This will be on the back burner for a bit. I have many plans for this! Too many. Do you ever wish you were just....a better writer? Ugh.
> 
> 3\. If Kakashi seems ooc, just remember that he’s been starving his brain for, like, years now. His already underdeveloped prefrontal cortex is even more so that he’s starving. He’s also 18 (in this chapter) and has been brutally murdering people his entire life and his only coping mechanisms are starving, overwork, and talking to a big rock.
> 
> 4\. why was i born alive
> 
> 5\. Also I forgot to mention this earlier! Genma is not stupid or willfully ignorant—Kakashi is actively lying and scheming (and very good at it too) to make sure he doesn’t get caught, and he’s been playing this game since he was 7. When you know someone who’s been in a bad place since you met them, the low baseline established becomes the norm. Also don’t forget that Genma is only 20 himself and has a very busy life.


	9. Running on Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m on vacation!!! Nothing like that dead In-Between Limbo between jobs and uprooting your life into another state. Hope you all are well!
> 
> 8/12/19 note 1: hehe 1492 hits and in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue and was immortalized for doing genocide  
> 8/12/19 note 2: I rewrote some of the weaker parts dshfkjsdhf;lkjsad

**_October 8th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Konoha General Hospital._** ** _  
_****_  
_**

  
The medic sighed. “Please drop the genjutsu, Hound-san.”  
  
Kakashi didn’t move.  
  
“Drop the genjutsu and I let you keep the mask on.”  
  
“The whole time?”  
  
“Fine.”

She could chakra-scan his mouth and throat if it was necessary. She could also break the genjutsu. Why go to a medical exam with a genjutsu in the first place?

He dropped the genjutsu.  
  
_That’s why._  Her eyes widened minutely, but she didn’t say anything. “I’m going to listen to your breathing now. Breathe when I tell you.” She put her hand on his chest. “Inhale.”  
  
_Oh god, that’s his entire ribcage. No wonder the Commander ordered the full battery._  
  
“Sluggish pulse. Have you been eating and drinking enough?”  
  
“Yes, ma’am.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Hound, your blood pressure just dropped 30 points combined after standing, your blood pressure and pulse are quite low even after factoring in your activity level, and it’s been two years since your last check-up. Are you taking any substances that could possibly cause this?”  
  
“Hmnh.”  
  
“You’re not in trouble. I just need to know for the sake of your report.”  
  
“No.”  
  
As the chief ANBU medic, she had seen more than her fair share of gruesome, bizarre injuries. There was a blanket “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy (though, with no homophobia In this universe) whenever it came to Top Secret Murder Club activities. Still, she wondered what the hell kind of mission could cause this as she performed the examination. There were no major injuries, but he looked like he had been through the ringer. All ANBU would commit suicide before being taken prisoner, but Hound looked like he had been some kind of prisoner of war. Except there was no war.  
  
“You’re very underweight at 53.2 kilograms. You need to put some weight on or you’re going to end up with long-term consequences. I’m officially recommending a diet plan that you _need_ to follow.”  
  
“I eat fine. I’m just.... naturally like that.”  
  
“Not with the amount of muscle you have, your body fat percentage, and your level of physical activity. Your growth chart also suggests otherwise, and that itself is considering you’ve been borderline underweight since you were eight. I would still recommend you gain a bit more weight even if you gained another 10 or so kilos.”  
  
Hound looked very uncomfortable. “I don’t really look at my weight. I haven’t noticed any problems.”  
  
“That doesn’t mean it’s not important.”  
  
“....”  
  
“Nutrition is important. Do you have anyone to talk to or eat regularly with outside of ANBU?”  
  
“Are we done?”  
  
“No.  Because you’re underweight, I’d like to run a DEXA scan to measure your bone density. You have a lot of stress fractures and really need to be eating more calcium. I also need to get some blood from you and get your chakra levels measured and run some other tests.”  
  
“Really? I haven’t noticed anything. I'll schedule the exam after this appointment.”  
  
“Nice try. Come on over to the X-ray room, we’ll do it now.”

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi always felt the need to train after being in the hospital, even if it was only for a check-up. Call him paranoid (which he was), but he didn’t think there were that many tests in a routine physical. It was certainly a weird experience to watch his bones get scanned. Well, not watch. But he could feel the foreign chakra pass over his bones. Kakashi had just thought the stress fractures had been weird bruises. Sort of. He could tell they weren’t like normal bruises, they didn't go away, but they weren’t just strains.

With the high pressures of his job, he figured that there were just some bruises that wouldn't heal.

It didn't really matter anyways. As long as he could continue doing his duty to the village, it was fine. And they didn't hurt. Much. Kakashi had grown so used to having aches and pains everywhere that it was no trouble to ignore another one.

But he hadn’t known they were fractures—maybe it was time to put some multivitamins in his diet. The medic had been weird about that too. Ration bars had all the necessary micro- and macronutrients, as all ANBU rations were special-made by the Akimichi. His diet was fine. Hopefully after the commander saw the physical results and "coincidentally" showed it to Genma and the lot of them, they would get off his back. Sure his blood pressure and bones were weird, but that wasn't a super big deal. Dove thought he was a little underweight, but she didn't really know him all that well. Last he had looked in the mirror, he had enough excess on his body to last a while. Even without the glamour.

He knew it was a low chance the medic wouldn’t notice the glamour, but Kakashi was still a little annoyed. He kind of wanted to see if it could last through the medical exam for next time. Kakashi had constructed it very carefully and it was very subtle, but the medic still sensed it before she started the exam. He was lucky that Genma and Co. were not sensor types, or the jig would have been up in a minute. Dove had to be a Hyūga with the way she immediately saw it. Unless there was some secret Uchiha in ANBU. Kakashi was curious about why the head medic herself was giving him a physical though. Didn’t she have better things to do?

Being poked and pinched and prodded was almost worse than actually getting injured. It wasn’t. But it still sucked. Which was why he was currently wandering around the market to be “found” by Gai and be challenged. He had lost the last challenge, so it was his turn to propose a challenge. Running around the village or sparring blindfolded would be kind of fun.

Not that Kakashi would ever admit that. To himself. Or anyone. Ever.  
  
At least now it was over and he would be allowed to go back out on missions. He wasn’t used to having so much free time, even though he spent most of it training. It had only been 5 or so days since he was banned from anything but C-ranks, but no C-ranks had come in so Kakashi had just been doing regular old boring training.  A spar just wasn’t the same as the adrenaline rush that came from fighting an enemy, the genuine _will-I-live-or-will-I-die_ that didn’t happen during a spar. There was something about the blood pumping through his veins, just him against the rest of the world when he was doing solo missions deep into enemy territory that sparring in a training ground didn't do.

 

  
:: :: ::

  
Bear dropped the summarized results from his physical along with the most recent incident report on Hiruzen’s desk and looked him in the eye before he could say anything. “If you still think Hatake doesn’t need to be removed from active duty after reading this, replace me as ANBU commander. This doesn’t even factor in the psych eval. Good day, Hokage-sama.”

 

:: :: ::

 

**ANNUAL PHYSICAL EXAMINATION SUMMARY**

 

 **NAME: [REDACTED]       CODENAME:** HOUND **D.O.B. : [REDACTED]** (Age 18)

 **ID: [REDACTED]             ANBU ID:** 921708

 

 **Temperature:** 35.9

 **Height:** 181 cm            **Weight:** 53.2 kg          **BMI:** 16.2           **Body Fat Percentage:** 4.3%

 **BP Supine:** 109/65       **Standing:** 87/52         **HR:** 48 bpm

 **DEXA T-Score:** -1.5     **Z-Score:** -2.0

 

 **NOTES** : 6 stress fractures & mild lacerations on arms and legs healed. Pt attempted to undergo examination under genjutsu to hide signs of malnutrition. Pt presents with: lanugo, low body temp., diminished chakra prod., bruising, slowed reflexes. See pg 4. Pt high-risk for osteoporosis w/ multiple stress fractures. Full psychological eval. w/  **[REDACTED]** recommended. Unwillingness to gain weight suggests potential eating disorder. Therapy recommended. Anorexia nervosa or chronic malnutrition diagnosis pending official psych eval. IMMEDIATE removal from active duty recommended until pt reaches healthy weight & DEXA > -1, weight > 64 kg, bfp ≥ 8%. Ideal BMI > 21-22 due to prolonged chakra drain from  **[REDACTED]**. Blood test pending: Iron, phosphate, potassium, calcium deficiency likely. Weekly therapy & 14-day follow-up after implementation of ANBU meal plan #7 requested.

 

Ninjutsu

| 

Taijutsu

| 

Genjutsu

| 

Intelligence

| 

Strength

| 

Speed

| 

Stamina

| 

Hand Seals

| 

Total  
  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
  
4

| 

3.5

| 

3.5

| 

5

| 

3

| 

3

| 

1.5

| 

5

| 

28.5  
  
 

 **PATIENT** 921708  **DOES NOT  MEET PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS FOR ACTIVE DUTY.**

 **EXAMINER:** DOVE  **EXAMINER ID:** 739104 **DATE:** 10/09/55 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the image is readable, but I typed out the notes in case anyone didn't want to read my chicken scratch. I misplaced my nice stylus during the move so my handwriting is not at its best. Let me know if you enjoy semi-redacted official documents for the future, this one was kinda fun to make!
> 
> Also peep that a super fucked up 18-year-old Kakashi still has better stats (stamina notwithstanding) than most of the tokubetsu jonin and is almost as strong as his canonical jonin comrades - in the future when they're all 𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘳. Obviously, stats aren't everything, but Kakashi is EXCEPTIONAL. It's harder to notice something is wrong when someone's outward appearance and actions are just fine.
> 
> Here’s some explanations of some medical stuff that might be unfamiliar:
> 
> -A DEXA (Dual Energy X-Ray Absorption) scan is an X-Ray test used to measure bone density. The t- and z- scores are statistical measures—a score of t=-1.0 would mean Kakashi’s bone density is 1.0 standard deviations away from the average bone density of the sample population (under a normal bell curve). A scan of t=-1.5 correlates (empirically) with having bones less dense than ~87% of the population, which is why a DEXA t-score of < 1.5 is considered at risk for osteopenia. 2 standard deviations (bones less dense than ~95% of general population) is considered osteoporosis. A z-score is a similar measure but is calculated using the entire population instead of the sample.  
> -Blood pressure supine/standing measures your blood pressure change between lying down and standing up. If your blood pressure drops 20 mm systolic or 10 mm diastolic, it’s known as orthostatic hypotension—it generally means that your heart is working too hard to compensate for the change.  
> -Lanugo is growth of fine hair on the body. It’s the body’s (useless) attempt to stay warm when malnourished.
> 
> I think that’s it—feel free to ask if you have any more questions.


	10. Ice Melts to Oceans (The Calm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Remember when I wanted to upload a chapter early? I have the flu. If any of this reads like I wrote it in a fever dream, I did.
> 
> Edit 9/14/19: Ninja Jesus is canon in this world.

**_October 11th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure,_ ** **[REDACTED].**

 

“Dove. Report.”

She wordlessly passed Bear the eight-page report.

“Oh, you got the psych evaluation that fast?”

“Yes, Inoichi dropped the evaluation by last night. But I think it would be better to read the comprehensive physical first. This one includes the blood tests and a few things that took longer to analyze.”

Her eyebrows raised slightly as she realized that all eight pages were devoted to Kakashi’s physical state and test results.

“The Sandaime hasn’t seen this.”

“No. The test results came in this morning. I also compiled some data from past exams that would be helpful.”

Bear sighed. Hound was a fantastic agent, when he wasn’t falling apart at the seams. She had been wary when Minato said his 13-year-old kid would be joining the black ops, especially so recent after the death of his team, but he had been exceptional since day one. The death of the Yondaime and his wife had hit him so, so hard. But instead of giving up, Kakashi had channeled every loss and all that rage and grief into becoming the perfect agent.

And after the Kyubi, they had been running ragged for so long that everything else went on the back burner. 

Nobody had caught him spiraling down the black, black hole of whatever the fuck this was.

 

:: :: ::

 

When Bear notified the three musketeers, the four of them simultaneously decided not to bring up the genjutsu if Kakashi complied with orders. 

Because it was a self-applied targeted genjutsu, outsiders were unable to break it because the technique wasn’t intruding on anyone else’s chakra flow. The only thing other than if Kakashi were to break it himself would be to send a chakra spike directly into where Kakashi had anchored it on his body, which, knowing him, would be somewhere hard to find. Considering that all shinobi were paranoid and didn’t really like physical contact, it would be kind of cruel to Kakashi. So long as the hospital check-ins came back okay and Kakashi continued to sort of eat his meals, it was agreed that Kakashi would be allowed to keep it active. 

And also because Inoichi told them his psyche would crack like an egg if they forced him to remove it.

 

:: :: ::

 

When Dove had directly referred Kakashi to Inoichi for an emergency evaluation, he knew it wouldn’t be good. The last Hatake’s mindscape had been punishing to even enter ever since his father died. 

But Jesus _Christ_.

Inoichi _knew_ trauma. He had peered into the minds of countless shinobi and civilians, could easily see the signs and symptoms. What he hated most was looking into the minds of his comrades, because he felt like he was intruding on their lives. And in a sense, he was. He would be looking at the memories that changed their lives, that shaped who they _were._

Trauma is the thing that splits your life into Before and The Aftermath. For Kakashi, first it was Sakumo, splitting his life between birth and the next trauma. 

But then in the space of less than 12 months Obito died and then Rin died on his hands and _then_ Minato and Kushina had died. His life had shattered into a number of discrete bits in just under a year. Now, four years later, Kakashi was still trying to continue on with his life as if nothing had happened.

It was a wonder that Kakashi was still even marginally functional. The boy had no functional coping mechanisms. Kakashi thought Genma was only his friend out of a misguided sort of duty to make sure the local village lunatic still contributed to society. Which, no. Inoichi saw enough of Genma through Chōza and knew what kind of man he was.

The only person who had a clearance level high enough to deal with Kakashi was Inoichi himself, conveniently. 

Doing the Psycho Mind Transmission was never fun in the first place, but Kakashi had so many subconscious mental blocks that forced him to hold the technique for longer, which was a lot of physical and mental strain on both of them. 

Not every ninja had a mental landscape. Many did, because visually organizing things allowed them to compartmentalize, but a few just didn’t have things like shelves or rooms. They were just black. Those minds took a little more subtlety to find the information necessary, as things weren’t physically organized. The mental blocks were also a little more tricky, as physical representations gave him tangible way to break through them.

Kakashi was one of these.

As he carefully entered Kakashi’s mind, some of his recent memories from that morning naturally sprang up. He caught a glimpse of Kakashi glancing in the mirror. But the Kakashi looking in the mirror was so distorted to the point where it didn’t even look like Kakashi. _I guess that’s how he sees himself._  But Dove had warned him about an eating disorder, so he kept going.

Memories that had a big impact or really emotional were naturally pulled to the surface along with recent ones. That was what made the Psycho Mind Transmission so effective. Targets knew what information needed to be memorized and safeguarded, but that often just directed him to the memory directly. 

Inoichi pulled on some of the recent memories related to eating and could feel the disgust Kakashi felt every time he ate something. Yesterday he had eaten miso soup and a rice bowl with Genma, and the self-loathing and disgust were practically radiating off him. There was a tinge of fear as well. And shame. So much shame. There was so much to unpack for an hour-long breakfast.

Inoichi wished he would have been able to analyze the actual meal, because Kakashi’s memories were _not_ objective. That combined with his _very_ low weight.... The diagnosis wrote itself. In Kakashi’s mind, he had eaten so much, but Inoichi also caught a glance of the bowl—most of the food still remained. Little distortions in memories were always present due to the subjective nature of memory, but Kakashi’s memories around food were so warped that they contradicted each other.

Another problem Kakashi had with compartmentalization - in that he _didn’t._ He was great at doing it on missions like any regular shinobi, but everything else bled into his daily life. It was like he couldn’t compartmentalize if he wasn’t on a mission.

(No wonder he hated being off-mission.)

At least, not in the traditional sense. Most shinobi would construct a second personality or hide things from themselves and repress what was unnecessary so they could complete the mission objectives. Not healthy, but functional.  On missions, Kakashi was great at hyperfocusing on the mission objective. All his mission memories were fine. Kakashi had done an admirable job of transforming from a gangly (adorable) 18-year-old to Hound, one of Konoha’s finest, and an agent to be feared. 

But instead of compartmentalizing or working through painful experiences so he could go about his day, Kakashi was instead _constantly thinking about them._ This wasn’t wallowing. This was further. Pathological. Whenever he wasn’t on a mission or panicking during a meal, Kakashi’s memories were all tinged with losses. His father, his team, his sensei, everything. Even when having another conversation with another person some part of him would be thinking about them. Obito, Minato, Sakumo, Rin, and Kushina, to be exact. Memories with them were just constantly playing in the back of his mind, and if anything reminded him of them, they would come to the forefront.

Kakashi was way past just ignoring his hunger or forgetting to eat. Consistently failing to eat had created a behavioral pathway where Kakashi would be rewarded for not eating—thinking about not-eating had slowly turned into a subtle numbing agent where he could drown out all his bad thoughts. What was once efficiency or passive self-destruction had evolved into a vicious case of anorexia. In an endless quest to become the most efficient, the perfect weapon for Konoha, Kakashi kept moving the goalposts because he still needed a distraction from the all-consuming grief.

The glamour served as a literal shield. When Kakashi recast it every morning, he felt a sense of safety, relief. It was the same principle of the mask, and everybody knew how protective Kakashi was of his mask. While unhealthy for his chakra network, Inoichi suspected that forcing him to remove it would be the tipping point in his precarious state. 

His perception of his body was so distorted that in some memories of him looking in the mirror his limbs would literally distort and move as he saw them. And because they were Kakashi’s memories, they came off as objective to him.

 

:: :: ::

 

Twenty minutes after the official psychological evaluation and physical exam had been submitted to the Sandaime, Kakashi was officially dismissed from active duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no written psych eval! I don't know how to do that but there are some strengths charts in the works just for shits and giggles.
> 
> Hobbies include: taking 10 chapters to get to the first plot point still years before canon!!! Let me know what you thought of the first chapter with Plot. I am but a poor writer who searches for external vali


	11. The Unbearable Lightness of Being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: **_The Unbearable Lightness of Being_** is a French novel about a Czech surgeon who cheats on his wife; it debates the philosophical underpinnings between the view that history is doomed to repeat itself & the view that life is so ephemeral (hence the unbearable lightness) because everything happens exactly once and is inherently fleeting. 
> 
> But it would also be a really good title for an eating disorder memoir.
> 
>  
> 
> Content warning: eating disorders, this chapter is a little darker than usual. Things will lighten up soon I stg

 

**_October 27th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Konoha General Hospital (ANBU Secure Ward)._ **

 

It took fifteen days of _very_ light training, no missions, and meal supervision before Kakashi finally cracked. 

Genma supposed it was a long time coming. 

 

:: :: ::

 

 _Three meals a day with one of us. You don’t have to eat everything, but you_ do _need to finish at least a third of your meal each time. We’re starting slow to get you used to eating more, but you’ll have to eat more over time._

Genma knew Kakashi was smart enough to read between the lines and know he wouldn’t be able to return to active duty if he didn’t gain any weight.

That didn’t mean Kakashi hadn’t tried to avoid eating with them or that most days he didn’t struggle to finish the minimum. The first day had been an unqualified disaster. So had the second. And the third, now he thought about it. Things were better now, as it had become more of a routine, but Genma suspected that was only because he had managed to hide it better. Gai had noticed Kakashi using some sort of seal to hide food during meals on day five and after they confiscated that things were right back at the start. 

It seemed that Kakashi’s façade, when finally forced to confront his issues, completely fell apart at the seams. The first day, after lunch, he had been inconsolable and spent the rest of the day until dinner pacing the training field because he couldn’t sit still. 

Well, in the way that Kakashi could be inconsolable. Which was mostly his normal expression with a hint of panic if you were looking for it and a rigidity to his shoulders. 

Still, it was a lot better than actual training, and because it had been the first day, Genma was ready to cede that to Kakashi. Early on they realized that no exercise completely would be cruel to a shinobi, as every single one of them used exercise to burn off some of their inner demons. While it would probably be physically better for Kakashi to be treated like a civilian, it would have mentally been a lot harder. 

He was slowly working up to eating like a civilian to repair his chakra network and not shock his shriveled little body—if they went too fast, his body wouldn’t have enough time to adapt from using fatty and amino acids as a main source of energy to using carbohydrates—which would cause more problems. 

It worked out for Kakashi because he couldn’t mentally handle eating much either way. 

Genma suspected that things would flip upside down again when they got to that point and his body kicked out of starvation mode and he would have to start eating a lot more. He hoped Kakashi wouldn’t have to go back to the hospital, but with the way things were going, it was a very real possibility. Having the metabolism of a shinobi was a huge downside in this case. 

Eating what a civilian needed was incredibly dangerous for shinobi. Active jōnin level shinobi could easily maintain on twice what civilians ate, not counting the Akimichi or any other really draining techniques. The body generated chakra as well as ATP out of the consumed food, so shinobi with higher chakra stores naturally had to eat more to maintain them. Even the ration bars had about a thousand calories each, and those were meant to be supplementary to whatever food that could be hunted or gathered. Without adequate nutrition or fat stores to draw from, the body was either forced to stop producing chakra altogether (deadly) or cannibalize itself in search for fuel. It was the same thing as what happened when a Type 1 Diabetic did not have access to insulin, as the body would have to divert fat and muscles to stay alive without access to glucose.

Anyone who had lesser chakra control than Kakashi probably wouldn't have been able to do it for as long as he had, but he was experienced with regulating chakra—having the sharingan turned on all the time gave Kakashi very good knowledge of how much chakra he had and how to manipulate it to last. 

It was hard to form a solid treatment plan for Kakashi because eating disorders usually afflicted the civilian population, what with the high physical requirements of just being a shinobi. ANBU had contingencies for malnutrition, but not the psychological effects of it. Inoichi and Dove were forced to improvise on the fly and had come up with a pretty solid plan, but outside the civilian program (most of which just didn’t apply), there wasn’t really a precedent for what was happening. (It didn’t help that there was no medical standard before Tsunade implemented one, either.) On one hand, Kakashi obviously needed to gain weight, but on the other hand they didn’t want to push him so hard he broke irreparably. Konoha would never allow that, would never allow one of their best tools to slip out of their grasp like that. That was part of the reason the Sandaime had approved Genma, Raidō, and Gai taking lighter missions to take care of Kakashi—Konoha just couldn’t afford to lose the Copy Ninja. 

They still hadn’t found out what he looked like under the glamour, but a weight of 53 kg only gave them so much to work with.

Genma’s heart went out to him, he really hated that he had to make Kakashi do something he so clearly _despised._ There wasn’t really anything he could do to make it easier either. Kakashi’s past was so deeply entrenched in his issues, and his past was so strongly influencing his present that there wasn’t much an outsider could do without Kakashi willing to work through it. But what he could do was provide silent support and a distraction, and knew Kakashi appreciated it.

Between him, Raidō, and Gai, one of them was always in the village, though it was usually him and Gai. Raidō and Iwaishi had picked up his guard shifts, and the Commander had quietly put them both on unofficial leave. They were still getting paid though, which was sweet as fuck. 

After ten days, Genma had been specially requested for a mission to Suna, so he left Kakashi with Raidō. The problem was, Kakashi as Raidō hadn’t interacted much outside of official missions, and Kakashi mostly just knew him as “Genma’s boyfriend.” Kakashi clearly didn’t want to confront that another person knew he had Issues, so it went silently acknowledged that Raidō Knew and that Kakashi still had to eat something. Genma knew Kakashi was uncomfortable with the situation—he had barely accepted that Gai knew, and he had known Gai since he was five.

From what he heard, it hadn’t gone well. Even though Raidō was a very successful squad leader, he hadn’t been participating in the sport of Kakashi-wrangling for nearly as long as Genma had, so he was a little more lenient and even offered to spar a little with Kakashi to get him to his required 1/3rd.

Well. it went well for Kakashi. But Raidō had gotten the reaming of a lifetime for that.

Eating with Gai was a weird experience. Under the flashy personality, gai was far more observant than anyone ever gave him credit for. Somehow Gai already knew that Kakashi couldn’t bear to have anybody overtly watching him eat even though everyone knew it was meal supervision. So Gai would sit on the couch and talk quietly about god knows what, and would just nudge Kakashi a little if he started to look a little panicked. While Gai’s ebullient personality was by no means fake, a different side of him came out to support his Eternal Rival.

But still, it had been two weeks since Kakashi was benched and almost a month since he had last left the village. 

Genma sighed. “The Commander said that if we went out to eat, you could take a C-rank. Border patrol. Pick whoever you want for a partner, and we can go anywhere you want. It’s on me.”

It took two days for Kakashi to decide where he wanted to eat. 

“We don’t have to do this today, you know,” Genma said, as he saw Kakashi hesitating once he saw the ramen stand. “The Commander didn’t give us a date expiration. You can wait for as long as you need.”

“You don’t have to do this for me. I know it’s a lot and I take up a lot of your time.”

“I don’t. But I want to, and I like to take care of people. So let me do this. I am in good emotional condition and this genuinely brings me both happiness and relief that I can help you try to get better. If you aren’t ready to do this, I understand. You’ve been pretty tightly wound about….well, pretty much everything lately. We can wait.”

Kakashi gritted his teeth. “It’s fine. I can do this. Its not a big deal. It’s just going out to eat.” His hands curled into fists. “It’s fine. Let’s just get it over—“ He swallowed. “—let’s go.”

Genma raised an eyebrow, but let it slide. “Okay, Kakashi, take a deep breath.” Kakashi took a deep breath. “That’s it. Let’s go get some lunch.”

Genma and Kakashi arrived at Ichiraku’s between the dinner and lunch rush, so it was empty except for them. Kakashi purposefully sat in the far corner next to the wall, leaving Genma to make all the pleasantry noises and grunts. 

Kakashi looked miserable already. 

“Thanks, Teuchi, just give us a minute.” Genma’s eyes flickered towards Kakashi’s struggling form as he tried to telepathically communicate “J _ust act normal, pretend nothing is wrong as my obviously struggling friend tries to order a kid’s size ramen bowl_ ” with his eyes to Teuchi. Teuchi’s grin softened into a worried smile as he nodded his head. “I’ll have the number nine, large, with miso.” _Thank you,_ he mouthed as Teuchi waited patiently with a serene smile for over thirty seconds while Kakashi panicked over what to order. They had decided before, but he had forgotten in the moment. “Deep breath,” Genma murmured, as he patted Kakashi’s knee. “Take your time. Remember what I said ab—“

Kakashi cut him off with a look that said _fuck no_ and tersely voiced his order _._ “I’ll have what he’s having. Small. Thanks.”

“Coming right up!” Teuchi grinned, and turned around to prepare the orders. 

Ayame pushed two steaming hot bowls in front of them. “Here you go! Let us know if you need anything else,” as she turned away to give them some privacy as well. 

“Um. I. I can’t—“ Kakashi was already panicking before they even broke their chopsticks. 

Genma looked over. Teuchi has given him a medium and an extra egg. _Crap._ He was probably just trying to help, but it had unfortunately short-circuited Kakashi in the process. “You don’t have to finish it. Just eat what you can and you can leave the rest. Take a deep breath.”

Kakashi stared, wide-eyed, at the bowl. 

“It’s just like eating at the apartment.” 

Still no response. 

Genma nudged him in the direction of Teuchi and Ayame. “See, they’re not even looking. Neither am I. Do you want me to take the extra egg?” Kakashi nodded vigorously, and his shoulders dropped just a fraction in relief as Genma took it and started to eat.

They had discovered early on that Kakashi didn’t like people Watching Him. People trying to look under his mask never made him happy, but he wouldn’t touch anything if anyone even took a glance in his direction. Without the semblance of normalcy, he froze up, so everyone pretended nothing was wrong as they supervised their adult friend struggling to eat the most basic of meals. But hey, whatever worked. 

Kakashi started mechanically eating as he stared into the distance. He almost looked relaxed, if not for his white knuckles gripping his chopsticks so hard they almost shattered.

Kakashi actually made it through half the bowl before he couldn’t take it anymore. Genma was proud and pleasantly surprised. He hadn’t expected more than the mandatory ⅓, especially with the larger bowl size. “I’m done,” he muttered. “I just. I can’t finish anymore.” 

“Okay, sounds good,” Genma said neutrally. “I’ll just finish up and pay here and then we can go.” Naturally, Kakashi took that as a cue to body flicker the fuck away mid-sentence. “Rude.”

“Is he okay? I haven’t seen him since, well.“ _Since the Yondaime died_ , they both thought. “He doesn’t look well.”

“We’re working through some things right now, but it’s a work in progress. He’ll be fine. Thanks for acting normally, both of us really appreciate it.” Genma put down the correct amount of bills. “I should probably go chase him down though. Thanks again.”

 

:: :: ::

 

Kakashi knew he would regret going out to eat. There were _people_ out there. Who would watch. But he was also sick of being in the village. The physical exam results had reached the Commander before she could give him another mission and he had been stuck all day with the Babysitters Club. 

The problem with spending all day with Genma, Raido, or Gai meant that all of his daily training had to be done in the early morning and late at night. Gai wouldn’t even do any training exercises as Challenges for their Rivalry. Kakashi almost regretted introducing the use of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

He knew they just meant the best for him, but they were wrong. They didn’t know his body as well as he did, which was reasonable because they weren’t the ones stuck living in it every day of their life. But their weird concerns about weight or whatever were getting in his way. He was consuming too many resources, especially now that they had him eating three meals a day. Maybe this was a subtle reminder that he needed to train more because he had been getting lazy? He had to make up for it. Kakashi wasn’t sure why they would imply that he needed to train more and then take up so much time he could be using to train, but he took the hint. He knew what he had to do.

Weirdly enough, the Commander, Dove, Gai, and Genma had also been enforcing some bullshit “light training” regimen. At least Raidō had been nice that one time. The mixed messages were honestly kind of confusing, but Kakashi knew what was best for him and knew he had to stay in shape. Them feeding him more was probably just their subtle way of encouraging him to train on his own because he _had_ gotten lazy. 

Because he had no time though, he had come up with using shadow clones to train after a couple days. They didn’t pop until physically hit or they ran out of chakra, and would train while Kakashi slept, which was a much better long-term solution than showing up to breakfast every morning looking like he had just gotten run over. Genma was so suspicious about _everything._ Which, weird. Implying he needed to train more and then not liking when he was doing that. What could Genma possibly want?

He was doing a lot of training with the Raikiri just to get the clones to run out of chakra after he was physically exhausted. Now he could get three times as much training done at the same time. Splitting his chakra in thirds with two clones allowed him to go to bed at a reasonable time without making his training sessions too short before the clones dispersed.

It worked great because Kakashi could do intense chakra-less cardio and strengthening for the first half and then force his body to use up more of his extra reserves to generate more chakra. 

In battle situations, he couldn’t use the Raikiri more than twice, three times (if someone was available to carry him home) if absolutely necessary. (Luckily, the Raikiri usually only needed one hit to be effective.) However, when not in battle, he didn’t need the preternatural reflexes granted by the Sharingan, so Kakashi could focus more on the jutsu itself than the execution. Not needing to use the Sharingan really helped cut the chakra cost. He had managed to add a pointed edge of chakra extending across his third and fourth fingers so he could use it as a knife and not have to shove his whole hand through his target’s heart ~~and be reminded how it felt to hold Rin’s beating heart in his hands over and over and _over_ again~~, allowing for a faster execution and higher versatility. 

Now it really was a lightning cutter.

On one hand were lightning burns from shaping the chakra that he had to heal after every training session.The only good thing about being constantly low on chakra was that it was a lot less dense when spread throughout his chakra coils, which made it a lot easier to manipulate.

On the other hand, he was very good at using Raikiri when exhausted now. And his field healing had gotten a lot better. And all the lightning had kind of fried his arm so it didn’t hurt as much any more to do the jutsu. 

But going out to eat had ruined _everything_. There was no way he would be able to train enough to break even. Ramen was so much more calorie-dense than home-cooked meals or the regulation ANBU stuff. He had been so reminded of going to ramen with Kushina and Minato that he had spaced out temporarily and almost forgot what he was doing. Before he knew it, he had eaten way too much before he realized what he had done. He could already feel the panic rising as he got the fuck out of there. Genma usually let him compose himself for a couple of minutes after meals, so it would be fine. 

Torn between not wanting to waste food and _need to get it out now now now now now_ , the panic won as Kakashi flickered into his apartment and slammed the bathroom light on and expelled the contents of his stomach as fast as he could into the toilet. He needed to make sure he got it all out (he could _feel_ it in him), so he drank straight from the sink and threw up again over and over again until he collapsed just to make sure. Part of him was guilty because he should have used the energy from that food to train, but the overwhelming relief that came with undoing his mistake quickly swept away any of the guilt as he lay crumpled on the bathroom floor and twitching as he tried to catch his breath. _Damn, I really should’ve started doing that a while ago._  

The bitter taste of regret permeated the back of his throat. 

 _That was_ way _too much, especially now that I’m not on active duty anymore. I’m never going out to eat again. No C-rank, no, no mission at all is worth the bullshit it is to go out to eat. Never again. Who actually goes out to eat, anyways?_

Kakashi felt his head pounding as his heartbeat stumbled and skipped through his ears. The room seemed to grow brighter as the light threatened to bore into his head. _That’s weird,_ he thought, as the bathroom shook around him. _I don’t think we have earthquakes in Konoha._ Kakashi couldn’t gather the energy to move under a corner or make an earth wall as he closed his eyes, hoping nothing would fall on him as he passed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “What could Genma possibly want?” I DON’T KNOW KAKASHI MAYBE FOR YOU TO NOT BE A DUMBASS
> 
> Also, I’d like to thank you for reading this. I didn’t realize how much of myself I put into this work until this chapter, and the response has been amazing as I stumble through this amateur work. In my first draft of the first chapter I actually wrote “silver-haired shinobi.” Um, yeah. We all know he has silver hair. Move on. Anyways, if any of you are reread fans like myself, I overhauled a good bit of Taking Care around 8/13/19, so there are some slight changes. Thanks again for your continued support!!! See you next chapter :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, my muse has been dead for a while and this was a difficult chapter to write. But I've been rereading and rewriting it over and over to the point of incoherence, so here it is before I completely kill the chapter ~~and abandon everything to go live in the woods~~.
> 
> Also, sorry if you got double notifications. I accidentally pressed “delete chapter” trying to kill the notification at the top.

**_October 28th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Konoha General Hospital (ANBU Secure Ward)._ **

 

Kakashi had actually only lost consciousness for a moment, but he was adamant about not going to the hospital. So Genma made the executive decision to just knock him out with the Temple of Nirvana technique. Kakashi was really out of it if he couldn’t avoid a genjutsu so blatant.

Genma knew it was bad, but finally seeing Kakashi’s true form still made him a little sick to his stomach. The glamour cut out when he started seizing.

It showed just how skewed his perception was that even his glamoured self was still pretty thin. But even though he was grateful that Kakashi wasn’t draining his chakra anymore, he almost wished the glamour hadn’t dropped.

 _Oh, Kakashi, what have you done_? His cheekbones cut through the mask and the visible part of his face was so pale he almost looked like a corpse.

He looked like he had been kept as a prisoner of war.

Genma scooped up his crumpled friend in a princess carry and carefully body flickered straight into Konoha General’s private floor. Having an ANBU tattoo was really helpful for when things needed to be done quickly and discreetly, as it granted immediate access to most of Konoha and the private training grounds.

Then when they finally got to the ANBU ward and Genma dropped the genjutsu, Kakashi was immediately chakra cuffed for trying to duck his way out. Kakashi refused the IV but was at least grumpily eating ice chips for dehydration while a medic ran diagnostics.

General mineral deficiencies + the fact that Kakashi had been purging his guts out + borderline chakra exhaustion + physical exhaustion had fried his electrolyte levels and resulted in the seizure.

He actually looked resigned to being in the hospital until he saw Dove walking in with a protein shake. Dove and Genma had the exits covered. Kakashi was trapped.

The beeping from the heart monitor sped up.

“I don’t want to have to force you, Hatake.”

Kakashi grabbed the protein shake and threw it at the wall with a very panicked look as he struggled with the handcuff so he could get the fuck out of there.

“If you do that again I’m going to knock you out. You’re a danger to yourself.” She handed him a second shake, having predicted and prepared for the outcome of the first one. “Don’t even think about trying to escape and go train, your ANBU tattoo will be monitored at all times and you’re banned from the training grounds. The wards won’t even let you in.”

Genma felt a pang in his heart. “Kakashi.... please. Please just drink it. For me.”

Kakashi stubbornly replied to the window. “No.”

Genma put a hand on Kakashi’s shoulder. “Kakashi, look at me. Please.”

Kakashi didn’t look away from the window, but Genma know he was listening.

“I know it’s hard. And I’m sorry that I pushed you to go out to eat. I didn’t know things were that hard for you. But I need you to drink it.”

“I can’t.”

Genma sighed. “Kakashi, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but if you don’t, they’re going to knock you out and feed you through a tube.”

Kakashi looked like he was almost considering it. “Nope.”

Dove put the shake down in front of him and the heart monitor sped up again. “Kakashi.”

It was at this point that Kakashi made a break for it. He yanked the handcuff with enough force to break off the rail it was attached to and was almost past Genma when suddenly he stopped and knelt on the ground. Dove took the opportunity to press a green hand to his forehead to knock him out. “I’m sorry, but you need this.”

Kakashi struggled until he passed out.

Dove made quick work of an IV as she called for a medic to bring another shake and—Did she say something about his _heart?_ —shove Genma out of the room.

After the ordeal was over, Genma was allowed back in. Dove administered a light sedative to make sure he got a night’s rest and told Genma to let the medic know if he woke up before disappearing somewhere.  

Kakashi had been sleeping for an entire 24 hours now. Gai stopped by sometime in the middle of the night to take over watch and force Genma to go home.

The sedative had worn off after about 8 hours, which meant that Kakashi was sleeping naturally because he needed it. It was telling that most shinobi really only needed 6 hours of sleep a night.

The little fucker was so cold they had to put a heated blanket on him.

 

:: :: ::

 

As Kakashi slowly climbed the ladder back to awareness, he started performing all his internal checks. He could feel the tape in his elbow that meant he had an IV. The overpowering smell of antiseptic meant he was in the hospital. Everything seemed fine except he was exhausted, had a massive headache, and couldn’t access his chakra. His stomach was uncomfortably full. His eyes flew open.

He opened his mouth to protest, but all that came out was a “nnnngh.” Genma looked up from his reading with undisguised relief.

“Thank the Sage,” he murmured, “you’re awake.” Genma put his hand on Kakashi’s cheek. “They said it wasn’t life threatening, but I—“ His voice cracked. “—I was—you looked like you were having a heart attack. You _almost_ had a heart attack. You were so cold, and I thought—“ He cut himself off. “What do you remember?”

He remembered they were going to make him drink the shake. Judging by how his stomach felt, they probably had. He recalled that he actually made it almost past Genma when his stupid thigh decided to cramp up and ruin his escape plan.

Kakashi suddenly realized that the genjutsu wasn’t active. Frantically, he struggled to make the hand signals to re-activate it. He still couldn’t reach his chakra, and attempting to move his hands took an exorbitant amount of effort. Oh. He was handcuffed to the bed. How wonderful.

“Don’t bother. We’ve already seen what you look like. Also, your chakra has been blocked off.”

Kakashi averted his gaze.

“I couldn’t find you at our place. When I found you at your apartment, you were seizing up a storm and fading in and out of it. I had to carry you here.” Genma put his head in his hands. “They had to sedate you, you know. I don’t know if you remember this, but the nurse had to cuff you to the bed to drink a shake. That wasn’t enough, so they had to knock you out just to get it in you because you were fighting it so hard.”

“What is it, huh? What _is_ this? What is it about? It’s not about how you look. You know that eating just a little more has no effect on the resources. And I know you know that not eating enough will affect your performance. So why can’t you?”

Kakashi didn’t answer. _I_ was _eating enough. I’m only in the hospital because I fucked up eating too much._

Genma arched an eyebrow, probably guessing what he was thinking.

He stood and raised his hand to slap Kakashi; Kakashi knew he deserved it, so he made no effort to avoid it.

At the last terrible, terrible moment, Genma stopped his hand. Kakashi opened his eye in confusion.

Instead, Genma patted his cheek, his fingers resting for a moment longer than strictly necessary in this weird, bizarre moment where time seemed to stop. But Kakashi blinked, and the moment was over. “I’ll go get the nurse,” he said in the roughest voice. He walked out of the room without a spare glance back, and quietly shut the door.

Kakashi was starting to wish he’d been slapped.

He looked at the IV drip.

 _Let’s see, 5% dextrose and the bag looks half empty, so we’ll assume about 125 ml. At 4 calories per gram, 5% of 125 ml would result in 6.25 grams, or what,  25 calories? That's fine so long as i rip this thing out soon._ He could afford it. He just had to do a bit more exercise. Unfortunately, both of his hands were cuffed, so he couldn’t reach it. The bastards.

And just like that, with his head pounding and heartbeat stumbling through his ears, Kakashi finally realized that he did not wish to stay this way. Hovering somewhere between not-quite-living but not-quite-dying was a shitty way to live. Calculating the caloric content of a nutrient solution? What the fuck was happening to him?

After all, when had a bowl of ramen been enough to send him into a tailspin? He did it just fine with Kushina almost every time he had training a few years ago.

Kakashi was a cold, emotionless machine, and this was a bug that needed to be crushed between the gears.

 

:: :: ::

 

That didn’t mean that being in the hospital didn’t _suck_. Or that every two seconds he didn’t decide to give up on the whole eating thing, defect to another village, and just train until he died.

Mealtimes were the worst. It was So Much food and everyone was watching him because there was nothing else to do in that damn room. Dove herself personally checked to make sure he was actually eating and not dumping things out the window.

He got a jutsu scroll to read ( _“Read ONLY, Hatake. I better not find you practicing.”_ ) on the first day he choked down most of every meal or drinking the replacement shakes. Kakashi hadn’t realized just how shitty his concentration was until he tried to read the scroll and fell asleep soon after.

 

He spent a lot of time sleeping just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt and discomfort that came with eating a platoon’s worth of food. Apparently it was normal to feel sick all the time to recover from malnutrition. But Kakashi had another theory. Maybe they made this process so awful on purpose just so patients would have incentive never to themselves in the hospital again. That was kind of the general theme for the hospital.

Things got even worse a week later when they had him eating even more. He really tried. But he was pretty sure no one actually ate that much in real life.

Still, it was better than getting knocked out. The day after the meal increase, he learned that Dove had no qualms about feeding him more (“I’ll take an opportunity when I see one. There’s some motivation to eat your meals.”) than the minimum required if he didn’t comply. It killed him not to know exactly what was going in him, so he never did that again.

There wasn’t any training that could be done in a hospital bed that didn’t make the heart monitor beep and alert everyone. It was stuck on with chakra too, so he couldn’t remove it. How the fuck was he supposed to stay in shape when he was so tired he could barely move? He could feel the extra layer of resources accumulating beneath his skin that weren’t supposed to be there. Weren’t supposed to be there. Weren’t supp—

Life sucked.

He wasn’t allowed to visit the memorial stone either. Well, he was. But it had to be with someone, which was _not_ happening. He could walk just fine, thank you very much.

Mostly the only reason he wanted to want to recover was because he was just so _bored_. Life was so much worse when you couldn’t go out of the village. What did the civilians even do all day? Also, he would be allowed to summon his pack if he ate to their standards.

Genma and Gai were there visiting very frequently, but he didn’t have that much energy to stay awake for very long. Even the simplest things took so much energy now. Kakashi almost couldn’t believe he had been capable of his previous training regimen.

Kakashi hadn’t summoned his pack in a while, mostly because they worried too much about him when he did <strike>and he didn’t have the chakra</strike>.

Most of the pack went back to the void after saying hello and glaring at him, but Pakkun looked him with his sad doggy eyes and said, “We’re glad you’re okay, Boss. We missed you.”

Eventually, Pakkun fell asleep curled under Kakashi’s arm. Bull jumped onto the bed and covered Kakashi like a blanket. It was a little squished, but on the other hand it wasn’t so freezing anymore. He couldn’t even protest because he had already started nodding off after the chakra-intensive ritual.

After two weeks, he was deemed not about to drop dead immediately from a heart attack and given an ultimatum. _You have to do the civilian program, or move in with one of us. Or you could stay in the hospital._   Um, no. The civilian program sounded terrible. No ANBU agent would be able to relate with civilians. The trauma of killing dozens of people and having your loved ones die never really meshed with them.

 _Alternatively, you can move in with one of us. No training. At all. You’ve already proved that you are a danger to yourself when you disobeyed direct orders and trained the hell out of yourself whenever you weren’t eating. Your chakra will be blocked if you’re found training._ Well. There went the shadow clone training. Additionally, because his ANBU tattoo functioned as a tracker as well, he was banned from the training grounds and wouldn’t be able to sneak out.

Also, he had to go to therapy twice a week now with _Inoichi_ and check in at the hospital every three days to make sure he was “on track and appropriately gaining weight,” whatever the fuck that meant.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that he had to see Inoichi when he was in the hospital. But that was fine. He was a pro at therapy now. Kakashi knew exactly what to say.

At least now that he was out of the hospital and healthy he’d be able to leave the village soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another problem with anorexia is what I like to call the ‘Jack Skellington Hand Syndrome,’ which is something none of you were aware of until this moment but can totally imagine now.
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. Let me know your thoughts!! I _love_ talking.


	13. Dog, Boar, Tiger! Therapy no Jutsu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, I know, Kakashi probably needs CBT instead of DBT, but there’s not a hand sign that starts with a C. It would be a lot cooler if therapy just needed Dog, Boar, and Tiger to work.

**_September 18th, 55 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Intelligence Headquarters._ **

 

Kakashi didn’t know what it was before, but he knew his weight had been lower three days ago. He could tell. Anyone with functioning eyes could tell, and the sensors probably could too. He was just _bigger_ now. It was clear he was letting himself go and needed to do more missions to make up for the resources he was wasting. Before anyone else could see just how lazy he was being. 

Not that it really mattered how he looked. But he could feel how lazy he was, how _inefficient_ , and it was not a good feeling.

So when the number came back _lower_ , he was so confused.

The medic said it was bound to happen once his metabolism sped up.

Kakashi had spent the rest of the day sulking during his even heavier training restriction before his appointment with Inoichi. “ _So you don’t overexert yourself as your body works its way up to speed_ ,” or whatever dumb bullshit they were spitting out this time.

“I want to do an experiment. Make a shadow clone.”

A perfectly healthy, heavy set man appeared. 

“Now close your eyes.” Inoichi then directed his attention towards the clone. “Henge your face, hair, and clothes into someone you know, but don’t actually change the body. Actually, henge into me.”

A very gaunt Scarecrow Inoichi 2.0 appeared. 

Kakashi opened his eyes again and could literally see the body shifting before his eyes to stand next to Inoichi 1.0. What the hell was Inoichi doing? 

“Kai!” He jumped up and automatically assumed a defensive position.

“This isn’t a genjutsu. This is how you actually look, Kakashi. Your brain doesn’t work right now.” 

“You changed the body when I wasn’t looking.” 

“I know you saw it.”

He made another shadow clone. _Oof. Too much chakra._ The same heavyset man appeared right next to the first one. They were identical. Inoichi was about his height, so it was a good comparison. But him and Inoichi still looked very different.

He (it?) performed the transformation. 

It shifted again. 

_Oh, fuck._

Before Inoichi could stop him, he made another shadow clone. Now he was definitely a little dizzy. Maybe. Inoichi was trying to make him eat a sugar tablet. But he had to know. He had to know. He opened the Sharingan, just to be sure to watch exactly when the clone transformed.

It happened again.

Kakashi collapsed on the floor. A little. And Inoichi slammed his headband down over his eye as he maneuvered Kakashi’s legs above his head so when he stood back up he wouldn’t collapse again. Now Inoichi was really insisting on the tablet. No thanks.

 _Oh, duh._ “Dispel.” 

Kakashi felt the remaining chakra enter his chakra coils in relief as he was blinking the stars out of his vision. God, everything was sore now. Why hadn’t he done that in the first place?

He took a moment to sort through the memories from the clones. True to his word, Inoichi had not altered any of them.

Inoichi glared at Kakashi on the floor as he put a cold compress on his forehead. And sighed. He pulled out his lunch bag and rooted through it for a bit before pulling out.... A juice box?

“Here. Drink it.”

“I don’t need it. My chakra is back.”

“You’re as pale as a sheet.”

“That’s just my face. I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

Inoichi glared. “ _Drink._ ”

Kakashi pouted so hard it was visible through the mask. 

“It’s this or four tablets.”

Kakashi glared back.

Inoichi would totally snitch on him to Bear in a heartbeat (the traitor) so Kakashi considered that he hated sweets and that he was kind of thirsty and decided he might as well enjoy being gluttonous and lazy.

He punched the straw in the hole and took a tiny sip. 

“I stole it from Chōza’s house. It’s my favorite drink. So you better finish it.”

Kakashi drank a little.

Inoichi glared a little when Kakashi stopped sipping. “It’s my last one.”

 _So drink it yourself, you dirty bastard_ , Kakashi internally grumbled. But he could hear the underlying threat to tattle. Or worse, to feed him.

Inoichi glared at him with his unnervingly pupil-less eyes.

....Kakashi started drinking again. It actually wasn’t bad. 

 

Inoichi didn’t let him sit up again until he finished the juice box, to his dismay. Even then he was still kind of twitchy about it. Then he used his summons to get Genma to pick him up and bring a meal with him. He even sent Kakashi outside for a “private talk” with Genma before they left. Genma made him eat the meal outside after they left.

Yamanaka Inoichi was a motherfucking _snitch_. 

 

:: :: ::

 

It was not a great session. It was true that they only started sessions a few weeks ago, but sometimes Inoichi wondered if Kakashi would ever be able to fully heal. From what he could tell, Kakashi had been grappling with anorexia for four years, and had subconsciously used starvation as a coping mechanism for at least a decade. But without Minato to steady him or Kushina to indiscriminately feed everyone, things just went downhill.

Usually Inoichi could get through to Kakashi on some level, or at least Kakashi would pretend. But not today. He made plans to follow up with Genma, as things had gotten rockier as kakashi was expected to eat more and things would only get more intense.

Inoichi had Kakashi make a shadow clone because he wanted Kakashi to physically feel the body and see just how run-down it was. What he _didn’t_ count on was him making two more. Kakashi temporarily halving ihs chakra would be fine. But dividing it in eight? With the state of his chakra network? That was just asking to go back to the hospital, not to mention how physically run-down Kakashi was. He had a little more color to him than he did at the hospital, but he was still rail-thin.

And the kid had used the Sharingan _after_ he collapsed. That was just recklessness bordering on self-destruction. Which, well. Was par for the course. And _then_ he had dispelled the clones before inoichi had a chance to have Kakashi to take a look at himself. 

Which meant he could have had him make standard clones. And avoided the whole thing in the first place.

Yamanaka Inoichi was going to die of a heart attack before he turned thirty-five.

But Kakashi never did anything in halves. Regardless of the walking disaster fire that was currently Hatake Kakashi, Inoichi knew he would do the same thing on his own time to make sure what he saw was real. Kakashi was nothing if not a perfectionist, and he knew how to investigate thoroughly.

He saw the genuine glimmer of panic and confusion each time before Kakashi could tamp it down. 

Kakashi wasn’t even his kid, but Inoichi found himself caring. He knew kakashi didn't want pity, would hate it if he knew, but Inoichi couldn't help but feel for the prodigious young man who had been so thoroughly destroyed by this damn village.

He wondered how many others had slipped through the cracks. _Fu...._

Inoichi was pretty sure Kakashi was recruited into Root for a time, but never heard the details. 

And fuck him, that kid was _so light_. Knowing that a man as tall as him could even _weigh_ fifty kilograms was sickening. 

Watching Kakashi very viscerally freaking out when he transformed the face of a clone was not fun to watch. Kakashi’s iron grip on his emotions was, of course, a little worse because he was practically on death’s door, but Inoichi had never seen him that disturbed. In a long time. 

He finished his session notes and rooted around his desk for headache medicine. Inoichi hadn’t done a mind scan or anything, he just had a headache.

And goddammit, he wanted some juice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “walking disaster fire that was currently Hatake Kakashi” kinda sums up the whole fic doesn’t it


End file.
